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| Still prettier than UT's campus |
“The building was so outrageously unattractive that we at the Princeton Review found the piles of gravel and beams left over to be more aesthetically pleasing than the original building,” reported David T. Charles, a representative for the publication.
Chancellor Cheek, meanwhile, hailed the revision, stating, “This is a monumental step toward top 25 status. Having an attractive campus is important to staff and students – past, present, and future. I am pleased to report that we now have exactly that.”
Mr. Charles, however, aggressively disagreed with the Chancellor’s statement.
“No, no, I think he has this all completely mistaken. UT still has one of the most hideous campuses we have ever seen. Think about it this way: the campus has moved from being the shores of Hell to Christopher Walken’s left butt cheek.”
Mr. Charles went on to describe a number of other issues ranging from “aging and inconsistent architecture” to “that thing on Pedestrian.”
According to Mr. Charles, everyone at the publication was especially shocked when a piece of the Humanities and Social Sciences building “simply fell off” earlier last semester, marking the second consecutive year such an event has occurred (with North Carrick experiencing a similar defect in 2011).
“I don’t know how things work in Knoxville, but at most universities, buildings just, you know… kind of keep standing. UT is infamous back at the office; we just can’t wait to see what building is going to crap out next.”
Several neighboring SEC schools, including Vanderbilt and Auburn, have even started charitable and service organizations to assist UT in renovations.
“When I traveled to UT to visit some friends last year, I was genuinely moved to pity,” says Martina Sanders, a student at Vanderbilt. “I felt like I was in a third world country.”
She has since created the “Coalition for a Relatively Prettier UT,” which funds experts to advise current UT administration and construction teams on how to make the campus something that is not “an abject failure in the eyes of civilized humanity.”
So far, the coalition has seen positive results. One of particular note occurred just earlier this week, as Robert West, a retired construction foreman, reported teaching an entire team of UT construction workers the proper way to turn a screwdriver.
“It’s just so rewarding, you know?” related Mr. West. “Their faces just lit up like a bunch of little kids figuring out how to ride a bike for the first time.”
by Sling Blade
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