Bruce Pearl has the Students in Mind

“A man who takes students’ money for his own needs is a shallow, pathetic man.” Pearl said when I interviewed him while sitting by his Olympic sized swimming pool. “While I was at UTK, I made sure that all that money went to a good cause. It’s a shame that I’m no longer there to help spend that money.”

The players also appear to tragically mourn the separation from Pearl. When asked on their personal relationship with Pearl, the basketball players revealed that Pearl would often take them to the strip where they would head to the Half Barrel and order a “few drinks.” Often times, they would leave UTK in the middle of the year so they may try their luck in Vegas with large portions of the school’s money.

Yes, Pearl’s 2.1 million dollar home is an investment worthy of a student’s tuition of an estimate of $21,000 per year. It is good for UTK students to know that Bruce Pearl uses the hard-earned money from summer jobs and their parents’ paychecks to entertain guests with his infamous barbecue parties. He even claims to have had over 100 celebrity guests at his house for such occasions. Some of guests include Donald Trump, Betty White, Abraham Lincoln the Vampire Slayer, Johnny Depp, Ironman, and even Barack Obama himself.

The money also goes to sustaining his much needed three laundry rooms and eight fireplaces hidden in the maze of his home. Bothered by this fact? Don’t worry, he’s selling that house now for $2.69 million. Better act quick––there’s no telling when that sucker will be bought off the lot.

When asked about the parties that Pearl hosted, Trey Nesbit, a student currently attending UTK, exclaimed, “Aw hell yeah, Pearl’s parties were the s#*@! My bros and I found some fine females there when we went.” When asked about Martin’s parties, however, I received a somewhat different response. “He has parties?”

Even the basketball players prefer Pearl over Martin. While Martin was busy making new T-Shirts for the basketball team, Pearl was busy throwing parties that were said to be “totally badass.” Trent Caylor even reported that “the campus may be dry, but Pearl’s house sure ain’t!” On occasion, the parties got so intense that the UTPD were called to settle the noise down due to quiet hours. In the end, the police ended up partying as well.

The staff at UTK claims that they have no affiliation with Pearl or his wild parties. In fact, they deny ever having contact with Pearl before his NCAA violation. Pearl stated that “ I don’t bother with any of those nerds”

Once Pearl was unfairly sacked for his tiny white lie to the NCAA, he moved on to bigger and better things. Now, he is happily the vice president of a marketing firm for a grocery store. It’s good to know that he’s still doing what he does best and is using his cunning marketing skills to raise money for a better cause. He’s really moving up in the world! We can hopefully see him outside a new $4 million dollar home with the Craft family over for a barbecue, like a man who is seen as a hero should!

by Slim Shay Tee