Lost Souls of the CLS office

Last Thursday, campus police - who were investigating a disturbance on the Pedestrian Walkway – were surprised to find burnt remains situated in the center of the Pedestrian Statue. The remains are believed to be the aftermath of a satanic ritual.

“I still can’t believe that someone could tie up a puppy in the middle of a pentagram and light it on fire… kids these days play too many violent video games” Said a police spokesperson. “What has this world come to when innocent puppies are being stolen from Puppy Zone to fulfill some evil ritual in hopes of appeasing some dark god,” another officer commented.

After allowing all hell to break loose in the fort, UTPD had deployed every available officer to investigate this disturbing scene.

After hours upon hours of the crime scene investigation unit looking in every nook and cranny, evidence has linked this grisly scene to the SOLD Office. A plethora of blonde hair had been left at the scene of the crime and it is a DNA match to none other than UT’s CLS director,. A former orientation leader had a few words to say about this. “This stinks of leadership gone badly. I saw the photos of the scene and I think she totally lost her mind; I mean, those incisions were done all wrong. What a waste of a puppy” When asked if this type of brutality happens regularly, she replied with fervor, “Oh of course! How else would we get anything done? The process promotes unlimited submission to all parties. Isn’t that would leadership is?”

In fact, UT’s admission rate has slowly grown through the years. Many freshmen report a trance-like feeling of euphoria after going through orientation. No one seems to recall any of the activities from the two-day experience; they only profess their immense love of the SOLD Office. When trying to contact various freshmen on the subject; the only response mustered was, “Don’t ask questions. Now excuse me but I must get to Puppy Zone.”

With such suspicion around the SOLD Office, we decided to send one of our own to infiltrate said organization with the hopes of getting to the bottom of this mystery. She sends us weekly reports of her observations, and has reported that everyone seems brainwashed. On a few occasions the director has become enraged, sprouted horns out of her head, and occasionally, literally, spat fire. After two weeks, the representative only spoke of a heart-warming feeling not of love, but of fiery brimstone. Contact was soon lost from the young writer; the last information revealed on the writer’s whereabouts was a banquet invitation from the SOLD office claiming they would love to, “have him for dinner.”

The writing staff of The Tangerine initially thought to inform the public of these heinous events in order to prevent more bloodshed. However, the own lives of the staff seemed more important than a few petty moral obligations. Therefore, we suggest the student body blindly follow the rules of any mandatory student-body meetings. After all, “HEIL SOLD OFFICE.”

by Doc Brown