Eco Terrorists Strike Again

Last week, our global warming correspondent, Dr. Hugh Jass, was flooded with letters, emails, and the occasional bomb-threat from a very surprising source. The penguins of Antarctica, previously believed to be extraordinarily stupid, are outraged about global warming! As if Dr. Jass didn’t already have his hand full with the liberal bull-hockiers in Washington, now he has to deal with threatening messages peed in the snow outside his cabin, arson attempts, and overtly racist remarks by the fishing hole from his arctic neighbors.

“If I hadn’t lost my right hand to the blizzard of ’82,” commented Dr. Jass, “And not been able to move my left for the gangrene, I’d give those damn penguins a piece of my mind! They think they’re so clever, waddlin’ and catching fish without the use of basic tools. I say God bless global warming, it makes my job a lot easier!”

Head spokespenguin Phil Lipper was of a slightly different opinion: “The humans have been ignoring the environment for too long now! Terrorism is the only alternative if changes are not made soon. Imagine having your car blow up because of an exhaust clogged with a tasty albacore tuna, or having your mighty factories shut down by covert operatives that are infiltrating your workforce as we speak! Our demands are simple: stop global warming, or pay the price! The clock is ticking!...Now, I understand that there is some talk of this climate shift being part of the natural cycle of the Earth; IF that is the case, then use of the human fisheries and a life-time supply of cold-packs will suffice.”

The current opinions about climate change are polar at best. “There are many misconceptions about global warming right now, the most prevalent of them being that it is bad,” said expert analyst for the Tangerine, Professor Cher RePie as she sharpened her harpoon. “But has anyone even thought of the commercial implications it would have? Imagine catching blue marlin off the coast of Rhode Island... That would be totally slick! So what if a few species get killed off in the process? Newer and more interesting ones will take their place. There’s really no downside that I can see to the global shift, and, if I’m wrong, may I be hung from the highest tower.”

Currently Dr. Jass is investigating any possibilities of meeting the penguins’ demands, or just killing them off faster than they can kill us. “Really, it was a matter of time. Humans and penguins weren’t meant to live together on God’s green Earth,” said Jass, “If anyone’s gonna figure out how to kill those bastards, I want to be right at the front of the lines choppin’ em down, at the ‘cutting edge’ some might say.”

Only time will tell how the conflict will be resolved. In the meantime, The Tangerine will make sure you’re updated to the minute.

by The Newtster