Recent poll of NASCAR fans reveals America to be “#1”

A recent poll of fans of the popular National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing conducted by UC Berkley professors and top-level research assistants has revealed that the general consensus is that America is, in fact, “#1”.

This overwhelming response won in a landslide, with very slim margins responding with “these colors don’t run”, “f*&^ yeah”, and “Rest in peace Dale Earnhardt”. Astoundingly, none of the answers collected criticized America in any way.

“I keep turning on the news at night, and all I see are these terrorist infecting my way of American living. The way our fore-fathers meant for us to live is at stake, man”, exclaimed a fan simply known as Fat Dale. “We need to remember that America is and always will be #1. They don’t say ‘God Bless America’ for nothing.” When researchers questioned Fat Dale on his knowledge on religious freedom, Fat Dale retorted eloquently, “Man, f@#$ other religions.”

The poll, proctored over five separate NASCAR Sprint Cup races, questioned over 5000 fans according to three criteria. Applicants were required to name the last thirty Sprint Cup champions, feature some form of publicly shunned visible hair style, and currently live with at least their second significant other.

The league, famous for attracting some of professional sports’ most patriotic fans, has remained a main-stay in American culture since the early 1950’s, promoting ideals of strong ties to one’s country, fried foods, and a vicious lack of respect for Earth’s ozone layer.

The cross examination found Bristol, Talladega, and Daytona to bring out the most patriotic fans, the latter of the three involving a brutal alcohol-fueled fight between a man wearing a “Herman Cain for President” t-shirt and Rick Perry himself midway through the fourth hour of the race.
A new study will be held at the start of the next Nationwide Series to determine which country serves the biggest threat to living in America, favorite household defense weapon, and why Jeff Gordon is “such a little douche”.

by Betty Crocker