UT Takes on New Dean of Food Services

The appointment of local hobo celebrity “Hairy Dave” as the new dean of food services for the university took effect last week. The famed homeless chef is the world authority on the preparation of road kill, has dictated thirty one pamphlets concerning various methodologies for “trash can cookin,” has pioneered the use of tin foil to simmer meals, has researched and designed the cardboard oven, and is the emeritus champion of the “Rakoon Cook-off.”

“We’re grateful to Dave for leading the cafeterias,” stated Chancellor Jimmy Cheek. “He has studied the role of food on the campus and outlined a course that will keep it focused on critical issues, link it more directly to the campus’s academic community, and ensure it remains financially viable into the future.”

“Ya see, wat dis hur campush needs is sum lifeblood and tradition instead o’ dem burnt sausages n dat seven day old mac n cheese. I think it wud beeehoove us ta take a step in the direction o pleasin the students’ stomachs. All O dem doctors can’t seem ta figure out how ta git dis university inta de top tweny five, but I know n’ I can’t even read! Ya lure in the best students dat wud make this here institution grandiose like you would a catch a fat ole squirrel; wit a big tasty meal.”

Hairy Dave started his career at a very young age. He stated that becoming a hobo chef “felt kinda natural.”

“I was ‘bout five years of age when I ran away from ma pa because he was reeeeeeeally angry because ma mah decided it was a good idea to git me a social security number. My pa didn’t like this on accounts of it bein’ the mark o’ the beast and all, so he done cast me out inta the street and tossed me a box of matches, a pack of cigs, and a grate ta cook on and tells me ta GIT.”

“I mean, he smells a little funky… but he has personality” says student Dick Burns. “It is definitely an improvement over what we have now though… Who in their right mind would think it is okay to put yesterday’s boiled hotdogs and fries on top of a pizza?! I am a human being for heaven’s sake… not a dog!”

The appointment of Hairy Dave, although a radical one, might turn out to be one of the administration’s better decisions in the past few years. The number of students eating breakfast is expected to jump up significantly after the installation of the “lumberjack pancake bar.”

“Yall git excited now, ‘caus there’re gonna be some gud eats comin ta k-town,” chimed Hairy Dave.

by Snake Plitzkin