As we all know, weathering the current financial storms has been hard on individuals as well as sprawling entities employing thousands of workers, such as the University of Tennessee. The economic strain on UT has been especially difficult to manage when taking into account the university’s upward aspirations. In a recent statement made by Chancellor Jimmy Cheek, Cheek addresses the budget crisis: “It’s time to focus on the future. Our goals for the coming year are these: making strides in our journey to become a Top 25 public research university, promoting programs that will keep UT Knoxville accessible and affordable, promoting civility, increasing faculty diversity, and opening new inlets of revenue into the university, including widespread smuggling of drugs into the country from Colombia, the sale of arms and nuclear technology to warlords across Africa, and utilization of the Vol-Navy along the Tennessee River to raid barges and river boats of valuables.”“Not only will these measures help to equilibrate our massive budget, but they will also serve to develop international ties and provide many enriching internships for our students,” says Jimmy Cheek. The austerity plan, developed by Dr. George Spiva of the University’s Economics Department, has garnered high praise from public universities across the nation as well as the nation of Greece. “It is my belief that the main priority of the University of Tennessee is to provide an affordable education by any means necessary. The state has been fucking us over for far too long....This is revenge. Goddamn pennypinchers.”
Multiple students have already taken advantage of these wonderful opportunities. Howard Johnson, a junior majoring in Business Administration, has reported, “during my stay in Colombia, I was able to polish up my Spanish, forge relationships with powerful men that will help me when I graduate, and, on top of all that, I was able to gun down a few farmers with dual uzis out of a truck window!”
Aside from the smuggling scheme, the University is also cracking down on local drug dealers in order to build a monopoly throughout the South East. Amanda Currie, a sophomore majoring in Logistics, is in charge of organizing several local gangs to “deal with” big time suppliers from the Appalachians.
The University of Tennessee’s relationship with African War Lords has not only had an outstanding effect in Africa, grooming the hierarchy overseas, but has also armed students with first-hand experience in the enrichment of fissionable substances. “Mr. Abdullah Sharif had never completely realized the implications of having a few nuclear warheads in his arsenal until he watched his enemies disappear,” says Tyler Stephens, a graduate student in Nuclear Engineering.
The University of Tennessee has also seen fit to capitalize on the recent upsurge in rebellions throughout northern Africa by supplying them with heavy armaments and explosives. President Obama has given accolades to this program in particular. “It is necessary for our younger generations to learn how to control the world’s various dictatorships by the instigation of uprisings. The CIA had not exacted the science in the seventies, but it is believed that this partnership with academia will quickly complete our mathematical models and allow for the science to be finalized.” The Chemistry Department has started offering paid internships to science majors interested in learning how to design, manufacture, and test plastic explosives.
On an aside, some studies by Alexia Holden, a senior in Statistical Analysis, show that these efforts in Africa are making progress in the reduction of the AIDS epidemic, especially in lands now owned by warlords benefited by our internships.
The last part of the three tier plan proposed by Cheek was to organize the Vol navy. “By utilizing the resource that is our fans, we are expecting to pull high eight figure sums from the river itself,” says Cheek. He continued by stating “The engineering students are furiously working on constructing a series of traps designed to disable large boats coming down the river, which will then be raided by our zealous alumni in an attempt to recapture the glory days of their youth.” The raw materials, such as coal and iron, which are shipped up and down the river, will be used to create power and build new research facilities respectively.
Head of the Sociology Department, Dr. Jon Shefner, has stated that “these policies are merely a thinly-disguised jump backwards for humanity, in the name of education.” Shortly after this statement, the entire sociology department’s funding was cut and reallocated into the University’s modern art budget.
“Ultimately, our efforts will be rewarding for everyone because they will yield tangible results. We will increase the quality and value of the education we provide to all of our students. We will further develop our research base. And, as our academics and research strengthen, we will expand our contribution to the state’s economic growth by solving real-world problems through innovations,” says the Chancellor. He continued, “I look forward to taking this exciting journey with you.”
by Sly Stone
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