Big Orange, Big Tuition

In just a few weeks, representatives of the University of Tennessee will unveil the newest addition to the BIG ORANGE, BIG IDEAS campaign: BIG TUITION. This innovative slogan will have a brand new tuition web page with the intention of enticing new students and persuading those returning to casually forget about the whole thing. When interviewed about this exciting new change, one representative said, “Well yeah, I mean, how else were we going to pay for all those free shirts?”

The launch of BIG TUITION will also involve too many oversized posters, as well as shirts with a calculated amount unique for each student. Once the slogan and marketing strategy was explained to one student, she replied, “At first I was mad, but boy, do I like free T-shirts…”

According to a recent poll, most students see this change as a struggle only to pass along to their parents. But this is great news for the UT representatives, who are taking this news with great enthusiasm. In the words of Dr. Joe DiPietro, “Wild spending policies, here we come!” In an interview with a parent of one student, the father responded to the tuition news with, “Wait, what? Haha, that’s funny. You’re pretty funny. This is a joke, right?”

As another method to garner a following for the new campaign, UT will give a prize to the student with the highest tuition amount. Dan, a fifth year out-of-state student, appears to have a fighting chance to win the award. “Man, I sure hope it’s another free T-shirt!” he exclaims while standing in line at the blood bank. Many have pressed UT board members for more information about the secret prize. They could only disclose that it involves “soft cotton-y goodness.”

In preparation for the Big Orange initiative, The University procured a loan amounting to $1,400,000,000 in 2011 for the sole purpose of creating a slogan for the university. “That’s a lot of shirts!” said Dr. Joe DiPietro, President of the University.

There are some proposed critics of the policy, notably University of Tennessee Economist, Dr. Ken Baker. Dr. Baker projects that the fiscal burden of all of the new posters and free T-shirts will not be covered in the long run by the increase in tuition and the loans recently taken out. His proposed solution for the predicted budget crisis is that the school should become a “wet campus” once again, and place an excise tax on alcohol consumed on campus.

Only time will tell what The University of Tennessee has in store for its students. Many working for the school hope this truly brilliant marketing strategy will bring in more students as well as more funding. However, others fear that Pellissippi State College will create a counter campaign. Not enough news has leaked at this time, but rumors remain afloat on their slogan, “Pellissippi: We’re a School, too.” The success of both campaigns will only unfold in the hands of future students. Meanwhile, interviewed alumni continue to recite, “Please stop calling me.”

by Doc Brown