UT Finds Financial Independence in Off-Season Plans for Neyland Stadium

            In 2009 as the recession set in, the state of Tennessee cut millions of dollars out of the budget for higher education, affecting the aspirations for its young people hoping to better their lives. The motives for such a decision that would obviously never affect the long-term economic growth of the state or lose the respect of any person that even slightly values higher education remain a mystery. Fortunately, the University of Tennessee has come up with a plan that frees the campus from the moronic whims of local legislators who shall not be named, while providing much needed tourism to Knoxville. What is this magical plan? The answer, of course, is bull-fighting.

            Unveiled this week, UT will be the first place outside the Latin-speaking world to host such an event, which will take place in Neyland Stadium.

          “This will be a great boon to Knoxville. At the end of each football season, the stadium just sits there empty; the only good it does is give bored freshman a place to break in and find lists of the athlete’s GPA’s.... Which of course does not exist! But a better idea is another sport, something that will get people excited enough to buy season tickets! So of course we came up with bull-fighting,” Athletic Director Dave Hart said.

          While many animal rights groups have already pointed out the obvious brutality of the sport, and the fact that many nations that practice the custom have been trying to ban it altogether, students are staying positive.

         “Some say brutal, cold-hearted, and bloodthirsty, but all I am hearing is another reason to get black-out on a saturday afternoon. Come-on, it’s a mixture of thousands of immature, drunken college students with giant, enraged animals—what can go wrong?” Tyler Radick a junior frat-star majoring in Natty-Light chugging said.

         The only complaints that have been taken seriously so far has been from the maintenance crew, which said that the rivers of blood and gore will stain the field, and that they will require more men to make sure the turf is ready by football season.

By: Archibald Krakenbarger