US Taxes Rest of World

             With the US coming out of its worse economic downturn in over 70 years and facing crippling deficits, Capitol Hill has been embroiled in a fiscal war that has taken the nation by storm. Yesterday, however, Congress passed bipartisan legislation that it believes will “restore the nation’s sovereign debt rating, eliminate the deficit, and lower taxes for all Americans.” Representative John Boehner, who was looking especially orange, spoke enthusiastically to the press about the bill on Thursday.

                “A common theme in these fiscal debates has been ‘who is paying their fair share,’” he began. “But you know who has been floating along, scotch free the entire time? The rest of the world.”

                Named the Global Equality Act, the legislation requires that other countries pay Social Security, Medicare, and marginal income taxes similar to those paid by American citizens. Beginning this year with Europe, the legislation will expand to include the rest of the world by 2016. American response to the historic act has been decidedly positive, while Europeans reacted like selfish children.

                David Cameron, Prime Minister of the UK, appeared bewildered, saying, “They’ve got to be joking. It’s that rubbish American humor, right?”

                Barack Obama immediately called Cameron, informing him that the bill is “certainly no joke” and “any funny stuff” would result in “sanctions, fines, and a wedgie that would shatter his very being.”

                Other European countries have complained of the apparent arbitrary nature of the tax, with Spain being largely exempt from all taxation because “Paul Ryan supports Real Madrid,” while the comparatively poorer Moldova faces rates near 100 percent because Senator Harkin of Iowa experienced “Lucifer shits” during a layover there in 1998. Meanwhile, France has been markedly docile, immediately wiring the US Internal Revenue Service nearly 300 billion dollars.

                Following the bill’s enthusiastic domestic reception, Congress immediately began brainstorming a wider implementation. Representative Don Young, who respectfully referred to Hispanic laborers on his childhood ranch as “Wetbacks,” urged the inclusion of “those poor folk out East,” saying “the towel heads and orientals ought to pay for their share of our rampant spending.” 

                The monumental nature of the bill has even sparked the interest of former legislators, with Mike Gravel of Alaska recommending that Congress expand IRS coverage to the North Pole to take advantage of the world’s wealthiest resident.

                “By my estimates, Santa Claus sits on a trillion dollar operation,” his letter began. “On top of that, the fat bastard has been around for hundreds of year, so he owes billions in back taxes.”

                Response to Gravel’s letter was marked with bipartisan rage, with Senator Bob Corker shouting, “Tax Santa Claus? Mike, you can fucking BURN IN HELL!”

                After the senators screamed themselves out, Rand Paul filled the lull, opining that other countries’ fiat currencies offered the US no respite, and that the only effective means of fixing the deficit would be “taking the gold away from those shady Jews.” This made things pretty much awkward for everyone.

By: