Freshmen Move into Vol Hall

More students than ever are making the mistake of deciding to attend UTK year after year, despite the many reasons they really shouldn't.  Tuition hikes, the general ugliness of campus, and the miles you have to hike to get to class are all factors being flagrantly ignored by naive incoming freshmen. The influx of these poor, misguided individuals has led to changes in housing policy for the coming year.

Starting in Fall of 2013, freshman Haslam Scholars will have their own floor in Volunteer Hall. “We figured Haslam Scholars weren’t set enough apart from their classmates, and thought that isolating them even further would help better enamor them to their peers,” said a representative for UT Housing.  Unfortunately, many students are not taking this news as well as the administration had hoped. 

            “They’re going to get beat up. Vol Hall is full of upperclassmen who don’t like freshmen to begin with. And nobody likes Haslam Scholars,” said sophomore J.P. Reeser, a resident of Vol Hall.

            Upperclassmen have worked hard to secure their spot in the best and most exclusive on-campus housing the university has to offer. Many say they will not take kindly to freshmen taking up residence in their dorm. Already there are plans to strike at the Haslam floor, playing pranks like filling the halls with tiny cups full of water or releasing three pigs labelled 1,2, and 4. However, because Haslam scholars sleep in the library most nights anyway, they aren't likely to notice. 

"Everyone knows that an integral part of freshman year is living in a terrible dorm room in too-close quarters with someone you met over the Internet." said sophomore Josh Richards.  "Real freshmen don’t have kitchens, full beds, and their own bedrooms. They have a microwave with questionable stains in it, a barely functioning mini-fridge, and a lofted bed that they constantly fear falling off of."

Scholars will also miss out on the chance to live alongside students experiencing their first year away from their parents, as well as their first year without curfew and a seemingly unlimited supply of vodka. The shouting of drunken freshmen will not fill the halls of Vol Hall as they do Carrick, Humes, and Massey. If the Scholars cannot experience the hell that is living in a freshman dorm, they will not be able to fully appreciate how much better literally any other housing option is, even a run-down house in the Fort - you know, the place where murders happen.

By: Anita Knapp