Cheek Pockets Sex Week Money, Buys Hair Plugs

Outrage swept campus last week when the administration pilled $11,000 in funding and his formal support for Sex Week only weeks before the event. In the aftershock of this recent debacle, Cheek did release a statement today addressing the basis of the complaints.

“Transparency is an essential part of leadership,” Cheek said earlier today, “So I apologize for not being more forthcoming. To be honest, I was afraid to share something like this, but my hand has been turned.

I needed the money for Sex Week to get back into the dating game. As much as folks compliment me on being the experienced stallion of manliness I am, there is still a lot of self-esteem issues I have been working through,

Collecting himself, Cheek looked up from his podium. “As the face of the university, I owe it to the student body to provide the best image possible of UT. So that’s why I’m taking a sabbatical to Hot Springs, Arkansas for a relaxing massage and facial treatment, and if there’s any money left, maybe have a doctor take a few years off the ’ol mug.

I am the face of this establishment, and I want only to make that face more beautiful. While I initially believed that a fun and educational week of quality student programming was a valid use of university funding, I now plan to use that money to cover the cost of this trip and a years’ worth of facial cream to keep me looking young.”

Further research revealed that Cheek has, in fact, battled self-esteem issues since middle school, an issue which also makes it hard for him to show his face consistently around campus. For the remainder of the conference, Cheeks outlined the rest of his grooming plan, which includes getting swole, chin tucking and successfully rocking a male tank top, as well as Lasik surgery. “Like a caterpillar, I will emerge from this period of metamorphosis as a butterfly!” Cheek said as he finished his presentation.

Despite his admirable willingness to openly discuss his alopecia, righteous indignation still lingers. Much media attention has been given to the controversial budget decision, and the response appears to be overwhelmingly negative, with rumors of protest circulating. Yet, some favor a more cordial approach, suggesting the purchase of stage makeup for television appearances as a more economical option.

Whatever the reason, it seems unlikely that the ruling on Sex Week will change. Perhaps it is best that we simply accept our Chancellor for the insecure, man he is and embrace the delightful transformation to come.

By: Morgan Freeman