If
you were to list his accomplishments accompanied by vintage video clips of his
younger years, it would be like a sad antithesis to Dos Equis commercials. His
most pivotal achievement was nearly 40 ago. If you add up his 5 presidential
runs, you might get 1 percent of the gross general vote. His name closely
resembles Darth Vader. Well, I guess that is actually kind of awesome.
In
case you’re an imbecile and have not guessed, this man of mystery is Ralph
Nader. And news sources have just announced that he will be running in next
years’ SGA campaign for student body president.
After
failing in his quest for the US presidency and succeeding in driving Al Gore
into stress-induced obesity, Nader believes the UT student body will be a more
receptive campaigning ground.
“UT
has so much room to improve,” says Nader, continuing “I can bring the wave of
positive change to this campus.”
Among
his policy points are new regulations to limit per capita oxygen intake,
claiming that UT students “breathe copiously, and it’s tearing apart our
atmosphere.”
“It’s like you hicks
think the trees will soak up all the CO2 and turn it into oxygen or something.
Well, it doesn’t. This isn’t Narnia.”
Further, Nader plans to
replace all UT vehicles with motorized scooters, requiring that their riders
cover themselves with “soft things,” such as pillows and snuggies to prevent
injury in case of a fall.
Nader has certainly
covered all of his bases, even registering as a full-time student in the school
of business for next fall. In class, Nader plans to make his “best sour faces”
at business professors for supporting “the crooked American way.”
When asked for his
opinion on the current SGA campaigns, Nader responded simply, saying “They’re
all stupid and I hate them.”
Asked for specifics,
Nader emphasized their focus on various issues on campus instead of the
environment, before poking fun at the candidates’ names.
“I mean, Lindsay and
Lindsey on the same campaign? HAHA, very funny. And Laura Burgin? Sounds like Sour
Purgin, or Torah… just give me a second, I’ll come up with something… and don’t
even let me get started Baker Atchley…”
This reporter was only
too happy to not let him get started on Baker Atchley, and promptly ended the
interview.
Despite his optimism,
polling done by local news sources has not swung in Nader’s favor, with support
falling between .9 to 1.7 percent of the projected vote. One poller, Joe Trippi
of the Knox News Sentinel, described most of his supporters as “hipster,
slightly disturbed, or very, very angry.”
“We had to ask one
student to momentarily refrain from chewing his arm off so he could properly
annunciate,” Trippi continued.
Another was enthused by
Nader’s religious views, saying “He’s Greek Orthodox! I mean, who the hell is
Greek Orthodox? It’s like he tries to be irrelevant. Love him.”
By: Buttholious the Stern
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