The Daily Bacon Cover

US Taxes Rest of World

             With the US coming out of its worse economic downturn in over 70 years and facing crippling deficits, Capitol Hill has been embroiled in a fiscal war that has taken the nation by storm. Yesterday, however, Congress passed bipartisan legislation that it believes will “restore the nation’s sovereign debt rating, eliminate the deficit, and lower taxes for all Americans.” Representative John Boehner, who was looking especially orange, spoke enthusiastically to the press about the bill on Thursday.

                “A common theme in these fiscal debates has been ‘who is paying their fair share,’” he began. “But you know who has been floating along, scotch free the entire time? The rest of the world.”

                Named the Global Equality Act, the legislation requires that other countries pay Social Security, Medicare, and marginal income taxes similar to those paid by American citizens. Beginning this year with Europe, the legislation will expand to include the rest of the world by 2016. American response to the historic act has been decidedly positive, while Europeans reacted like selfish children.

                David Cameron, Prime Minister of the UK, appeared bewildered, saying, “They’ve got to be joking. It’s that rubbish American humor, right?”

                Barack Obama immediately called Cameron, informing him that the bill is “certainly no joke” and “any funny stuff” would result in “sanctions, fines, and a wedgie that would shatter his very being.”

                Other European countries have complained of the apparent arbitrary nature of the tax, with Spain being largely exempt from all taxation because “Paul Ryan supports Real Madrid,” while the comparatively poorer Moldova faces rates near 100 percent because Senator Harkin of Iowa experienced “Lucifer shits” during a layover there in 1998. Meanwhile, France has been markedly docile, immediately wiring the US Internal Revenue Service nearly 300 billion dollars.

                Following the bill’s enthusiastic domestic reception, Congress immediately began brainstorming a wider implementation. Representative Don Young, who respectfully referred to Hispanic laborers on his childhood ranch as “Wetbacks,” urged the inclusion of “those poor folk out East,” saying “the towel heads and orientals ought to pay for their share of our rampant spending.” 

                The monumental nature of the bill has even sparked the interest of former legislators, with Mike Gravel of Alaska recommending that Congress expand IRS coverage to the North Pole to take advantage of the world’s wealthiest resident.

                “By my estimates, Santa Claus sits on a trillion dollar operation,” his letter began. “On top of that, the fat bastard has been around for hundreds of year, so he owes billions in back taxes.”

                Response to Gravel’s letter was marked with bipartisan rage, with Senator Bob Corker shouting, “Tax Santa Claus? Mike, you can fucking BURN IN HELL!”

                After the senators screamed themselves out, Rand Paul filled the lull, opining that other countries’ fiat currencies offered the US no respite, and that the only effective means of fixing the deficit would be “taking the gold away from those shady Jews.” This made things pretty much awkward for everyone.

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Nader Announces Candidacy...Again

        

           If you were to list his accomplishments accompanied by vintage video clips of his younger years, it would be like a sad antithesis to Dos Equis commercials. His most pivotal achievement was nearly 40 ago. If you add up his 5 presidential runs, you might get 1 percent of the gross general vote. His name closely resembles Darth Vader. Well, I guess that is actually kind of awesome.

            In case you’re an imbecile and have not guessed, this man of mystery is Ralph Nader. And news sources have just announced that he will be running in next years’ SGA campaign for student body president.

            After failing in his quest for the US presidency and succeeding in driving Al Gore into stress-induced obesity, Nader believes the UT student body will be a more receptive campaigning ground. 

            “UT has so much room to improve,” says Nader, continuing “I can bring the wave of positive change to this campus.”

            Among his policy points are new regulations to limit per capita oxygen intake, claiming that UT students “breathe copiously, and it’s tearing apart our atmosphere.” 

“It’s like you hicks think the trees will soak up all the CO2 and turn it into oxygen or something. Well, it doesn’t. This isn’t Narnia.”

Further, Nader plans to replace all UT vehicles with motorized scooters, requiring that their riders cover themselves with “soft things,” such as pillows and snuggies to prevent injury in case of a fall.

Nader has certainly covered all of his bases, even registering as a full-time student in the school of business for next fall. In class, Nader plans to make his “best sour faces” at business professors for supporting “the crooked American way.” 

When asked for his opinion on the current SGA campaigns, Nader responded simply, saying “They’re all stupid and I hate them.” 

Asked for specifics, Nader emphasized their focus on various issues on campus instead of the environment, before poking fun at the candidates’ names.

“I mean, Lindsay and Lindsey on the same campaign? HAHA, very funny. And Laura Burgin? Sounds like Sour Purgin, or Torah… just give me a second, I’ll come up with something… and don’t even let me get started Baker Atchley…”

This reporter was only too happy to not let him get started on Baker Atchley, and promptly ended the interview.

Despite his optimism, polling done by local news sources has not swung in Nader’s favor, with support falling between .9 to 1.7 percent of the projected vote. One poller, Joe Trippi of the Knox News Sentinel, described most of his supporters as “hipster, slightly disturbed, or very, very angry.” 

“We had to ask one student to momentarily refrain from chewing his arm off so he could properly annunciate,” Trippi continued.

Another was enthused by Nader’s religious views, saying “He’s Greek Orthodox! I mean, who the hell is Greek Orthodox? It’s like he tries to be irrelevant. Love him.”

 By: Buttholious the Stern

The T Myth Cracked

              The University of Tennessee’s greatest campus legend involves the school public transit, known commonly as the T. Not only will the T always arrive at your destination ten seconds before you no matter what—making you regret not waiting at the bus stop—but they are also rumored to be giant magical creatures capable of dolling out free tuition to the un/lucky students who get in the way. 

                This is a common story told by freshmen, like Kent Phillips, trying to look cool to their new friends. In PCB cafeteria, Kent was telling his personal story while a naïve group of students listened: “Yeah, so I totally know this guy from Hess, whose friend from Clement has a brother, who was talking to this guy from Massey, whose roommate had a brother that saw a guy get hit by the T. ‘That guy’ totally is going to school here for free.”

                The search for someone who had a literal run in with the T was unsuccessful. Either you would find someone claiming to have been hit by the bus to all their friends only to learn that they are a liar that forgot how to do stairs and embarrassingly broke their leg, or you would find that the subject of the story does not even exist. 

                Just when all hope seemed lost, a contact known only by the alias “Deepest Throat” divulged a dark secret. According to Deepest Throat “the reason why there are no students that exist that have been hit by the T and given free tuition is because of the University’s policy of ‘Double Tap’.”

                That’s right, the drivers of the T have been taught to give no mercy. Should a student be struck by the T, then the driver must throw it into reverse and finish the job. Not only does this occur, but apparently the University goes one step further. There exists a secret police force that will clean up the mess. The secret police go about erasing every shred of proof that the student ever existed in the first place, and unlucky witnesses to a case of Double Tap are also taken care of. So make sure to look both ways and repeat these words “I didn’t see anything.”

KMART, America’s Premier Child Abuse Location

Nationally, mothers prefer to wait until they get to Kmart before beating their children. This is most likely due from a stressful car ride and the fact that “Little Haley just can’t leave the little coupon dispensers alone” said Katherine mother of 27.

This includes all forms of discipline: spanking, slapping, name calling, yelling and of course the ‘101 reasons WHY you are not going to get that toy.’  “We all get annoyed when our kids are acting up in the store and there is no reason we have to wait til we get home.” said an Oklahoma mother of four in between spanks.

Spanking has become a very popular form of discipline and many parents claim to enjoy it. “I don’t know, I just get enjoyment out of beating him” says one mother, Kirsten Loom, mother of 3. In a recent interview, single mother Lashawna Johnson said of her 128 month old son Nicholas, “He just doesn’t know how to behave in public.” She says, “I can’t wait until I get home to punish him, so it happens, right there in the middle of the weave aisle.”

A Good Housekeeping survey shows that beating children in Kmart is not only healthy for the relationship of mother and child, but beneficial. It shows that women who beat their kids in public are more stress free throughout the day because they can release their tension and lash out at their children. Additionally, the child feels a sense of security.

Jamie Howell has followed this parenting tactic since her 18 year old son was a baby and states “When it gets to the point of where your child is too scared to get into the car because you might actually be taking a trip to Kmart, then you know it’s working.” The younger generation seems to be catching also. “My mother used to beat me in the store all the time, every trip.” says 16 year old Taylor, who now has a son of her own. “It’s going to be passed down like a family tradition.”

A new Kmart that opened up last year in Florida now has a “spanking section” right in the middle of the store and Kmart manager, Bob Wesley, says that “The line is longer than the checkout; it’s like they’re not even interested in our products, but as a father I know the satisfaction of taking things out on your kids is much more important than anything we have to offer.” So next time you’re at the store with your child, don’t be afraid to beat the crap out of him; whether he is behaving or not, is not really an issue, and as for yelling? That helps too, a wonderful method used by mothers everywhere. And if yelling doesn’t work? Well then just spank them!

By Doctor Watson

Freshmen Move into Vol Hall

More students than ever are making the mistake of deciding to attend UTK year after year, despite the many reasons they really shouldn't.  Tuition hikes, the general ugliness of campus, and the miles you have to hike to get to class are all factors being flagrantly ignored by naive incoming freshmen. The influx of these poor, misguided individuals has led to changes in housing policy for the coming year.

Starting in Fall of 2013, freshman Haslam Scholars will have their own floor in Volunteer Hall. “We figured Haslam Scholars weren’t set enough apart from their classmates, and thought that isolating them even further would help better enamor them to their peers,” said a representative for UT Housing.  Unfortunately, many students are not taking this news as well as the administration had hoped. 

            “They’re going to get beat up. Vol Hall is full of upperclassmen who don’t like freshmen to begin with. And nobody likes Haslam Scholars,” said sophomore J.P. Reeser, a resident of Vol Hall.

            Upperclassmen have worked hard to secure their spot in the best and most exclusive on-campus housing the university has to offer. Many say they will not take kindly to freshmen taking up residence in their dorm. Already there are plans to strike at the Haslam floor, playing pranks like filling the halls with tiny cups full of water or releasing three pigs labelled 1,2, and 4. However, because Haslam scholars sleep in the library most nights anyway, they aren't likely to notice. 

"Everyone knows that an integral part of freshman year is living in a terrible dorm room in too-close quarters with someone you met over the Internet." said sophomore Josh Richards.  "Real freshmen don’t have kitchens, full beds, and their own bedrooms. They have a microwave with questionable stains in it, a barely functioning mini-fridge, and a lofted bed that they constantly fear falling off of."

Scholars will also miss out on the chance to live alongside students experiencing their first year away from their parents, as well as their first year without curfew and a seemingly unlimited supply of vodka. The shouting of drunken freshmen will not fill the halls of Vol Hall as they do Carrick, Humes, and Massey. If the Scholars cannot experience the hell that is living in a freshman dorm, they will not be able to fully appreciate how much better literally any other housing option is, even a run-down house in the Fort - you know, the place where murders happen.

By: Anita Knapp

Cheek Pockets Sex Week Money, Buys Hair Plugs

Outrage swept campus last week when the administration pilled $11,000 in funding and his formal support for Sex Week only weeks before the event. In the aftershock of this recent debacle, Cheek did release a statement today addressing the basis of the complaints.

“Transparency is an essential part of leadership,” Cheek said earlier today, “So I apologize for not being more forthcoming. To be honest, I was afraid to share something like this, but my hand has been turned.

I needed the money for Sex Week to get back into the dating game. As much as folks compliment me on being the experienced stallion of manliness I am, there is still a lot of self-esteem issues I have been working through,

Collecting himself, Cheek looked up from his podium. “As the face of the university, I owe it to the student body to provide the best image possible of UT. So that’s why I’m taking a sabbatical to Hot Springs, Arkansas for a relaxing massage and facial treatment, and if there’s any money left, maybe have a doctor take a few years off the ’ol mug.

I am the face of this establishment, and I want only to make that face more beautiful. While I initially believed that a fun and educational week of quality student programming was a valid use of university funding, I now plan to use that money to cover the cost of this trip and a years’ worth of facial cream to keep me looking young.”

Further research revealed that Cheek has, in fact, battled self-esteem issues since middle school, an issue which also makes it hard for him to show his face consistently around campus. For the remainder of the conference, Cheeks outlined the rest of his grooming plan, which includes getting swole, chin tucking and successfully rocking a male tank top, as well as Lasik surgery. “Like a caterpillar, I will emerge from this period of metamorphosis as a butterfly!” Cheek said as he finished his presentation.

Despite his admirable willingness to openly discuss his alopecia, righteous indignation still lingers. Much media attention has been given to the controversial budget decision, and the response appears to be overwhelmingly negative, with rumors of protest circulating. Yet, some favor a more cordial approach, suggesting the purchase of stage makeup for television appearances as a more economical option.

Whatever the reason, it seems unlikely that the ruling on Sex Week will change. Perhaps it is best that we simply accept our Chancellor for the insecure, man he is and embrace the delightful transformation to come.

By: Morgan Freeman