Big Orange Screws NC State

Future BCS champions the Tennessee Volunteers laid the groundwork for their eventual perfect season in their first game this past Friday – the Chik-fil-A kick-off game played at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta. Playing against a clearly out-matched NC State Wolfpack, the Big Orange showed just why this paper has them picked as this year’s National Champions.

The unstoppable Vols’ offense put up over 500 yards while the immovable force of the Tennessee defense crushed all of NC State’s hopes and dreams with 4 INTs, leading to a decisive 35-21 Volunteer victory. “We could’ve completely shut them out,” said Sal Sunseri, UT defensive coordinator and noted bear-wrestling hobbyist, “but we felt bad for them poor high schoolers… wait, that was a college team?” Sunseri then assured Vol fans that no such mercy would be shown in our inevitable trouncing of Alabama.

UT Quarterback and Heisman shoe-in Tyler Bray threw for 333 yards and 2 TDs with no interceptions, proving once again the positive impact of his intense beer-throwing practice regimen over the summer. “It was really helpful to my accuracy, as well as my versatility,” said Bray about his libation-lobbing, “a pale ale doesn’t throw the same as a brown ale, which is totally different from a lager, and don’t get me started on stouts.”

Of course the standout performance of the evening was JUCO receiver Cordarelle Patterson, whose extra syllables are clearly necessary to contain the extra talent he’s accrued through intense training, hard work, and what many believe can only be described as a deal with the devil. In one play, he ran from the right side of the field to the left and back again, all while dancing between tackles for a 67-yard touchdown run. The New York City Ballet has recently contacted the University for the rights to turn his athletic and graceful display into the centerpiece of their Fall 2013 performance. “The only concern we have,” said a representative of what many describe as the foremost dance company in the nation, “is whether any of us can actually pull this thing off. I’ve never seen anything so beautifully and artistically executed.” He added, “I just hope we can do it justice.”

Showing just what this team could do, the Volunteers decided they were tired of pussy-footing around in the first quarter and began a 16-0 scoring run that lasted all of 38 seconds. After asserting their dominance as the alpha-males of the metaphorical wolfpack, the Vols were content to cruise over a whimpering, defeated NC State. The Big Orange now looks onward to its next victim, Georgia State, the next pit-stop on their way to the National Championship.

by Completely-Unbiased-Sports-Fan

University Releases a Completion Date for “Haslam Laser”

“For years we’ve been working around the clock; toiling over blueprints for hours daily as we attempted to go where no SEC school has ever gone before and finally, we’ve done it.” --Franz Achbar

From the moment it was put into place, university students and faculty have incessantly pondered the meaning of the Pedestrian Walkway sculpture as well as how much it cost to erect such an awful eye sore. We are here to put your curiosities to rest as the engineering department has released the final scoop on what they have been secretly assembling now for years, as well as a completion date.

A secret sub-department, known as Department 9, has constructed a fully functional laser that draws on 1.21 jiggawatts of power that now only has yet to have the final elements put into place to make it operational. The UTK community has responded surprisingly enthusiastically to the release of the profound information, as a hipster member of the hookah club responded saying, “Man, we could like…blow up the moon or something.”

On the estimated date of completion, December 21, 2012, Governor Haslam plans to attend the grand unveiling to publicly express his gratitude for having the laser named in honor of his family which will then be followed by a powerful speech made by Chancellor Cheek addressing the university’s unmatched dominance among the whole SEC and a remarkable display of power as the laser is to be tested on the University of Alabama.

Immediately following the armageddon a small reception with light refreshments will be held on the main level of the Haslam Business Building.

by Seymour Butts

Bruce Pearl has the Students in Mind

“A man who takes students’ money for his own needs is a shallow, pathetic man.” Pearl said when I interviewed him while sitting by his Olympic sized swimming pool. “While I was at UTK, I made sure that all that money went to a good cause. It’s a shame that I’m no longer there to help spend that money.”

The players also appear to tragically mourn the separation from Pearl. When asked on their personal relationship with Pearl, the basketball players revealed that Pearl would often take them to the strip where they would head to the Half Barrel and order a “few drinks.” Often times, they would leave UTK in the middle of the year so they may try their luck in Vegas with large portions of the school’s money.

Yes, Pearl’s 2.1 million dollar home is an investment worthy of a student’s tuition of an estimate of $21,000 per year. It is good for UTK students to know that Bruce Pearl uses the hard-earned money from summer jobs and their parents’ paychecks to entertain guests with his infamous barbecue parties. He even claims to have had over 100 celebrity guests at his house for such occasions. Some of guests include Donald Trump, Betty White, Abraham Lincoln the Vampire Slayer, Johnny Depp, Ironman, and even Barack Obama himself.

The money also goes to sustaining his much needed three laundry rooms and eight fireplaces hidden in the maze of his home. Bothered by this fact? Don’t worry, he’s selling that house now for $2.69 million. Better act quick––there’s no telling when that sucker will be bought off the lot.

When asked about the parties that Pearl hosted, Trey Nesbit, a student currently attending UTK, exclaimed, “Aw hell yeah, Pearl’s parties were the s#*@! My bros and I found some fine females there when we went.” When asked about Martin’s parties, however, I received a somewhat different response. “He has parties?”

Even the basketball players prefer Pearl over Martin. While Martin was busy making new T-Shirts for the basketball team, Pearl was busy throwing parties that were said to be “totally badass.” Trent Caylor even reported that “the campus may be dry, but Pearl’s house sure ain’t!” On occasion, the parties got so intense that the UTPD were called to settle the noise down due to quiet hours. In the end, the police ended up partying as well.

The staff at UTK claims that they have no affiliation with Pearl or his wild parties. In fact, they deny ever having contact with Pearl before his NCAA violation. Pearl stated that “ I don’t bother with any of those nerds”

Once Pearl was unfairly sacked for his tiny white lie to the NCAA, he moved on to bigger and better things. Now, he is happily the vice president of a marketing firm for a grocery store. It’s good to know that he’s still doing what he does best and is using his cunning marketing skills to raise money for a better cause. He’s really moving up in the world! We can hopefully see him outside a new $4 million dollar home with the Craft family over for a barbecue, like a man who is seen as a hero should!

by Slim Shay Tee

Teen Blogger Saves the World

Overwhelmed with self-confirming happiness and relief, Julia Haplerstein finally decided to ‘share’ that video with her, like, 14 best friends who she thought she could best entrust with the knowledge of the first instance of violence and injustice in the Middle East or whatever.

“It was really neat, ‘cause in like the background of the little video thingy, they were playing that awesome song by John Mayer! And oh my god it was like, so sad! At the end? You know like the part with the…um …well… yeah and it just oh! My god WOW!” Halperstein enthusiastically and emotionally told us during an interview yesterday afternoon, requested by her mother.

“I’m proud of her. She told me she’s saving somebody with the Internet, which I’ve never heard of somebody doing before…” Mrs. Halperstein commented. “But, you know, she’s an activist now. She’s fighting for what’s right. She’s not going to let it happen, no sir!”

When asked what exactly her daughter would be preventing, Mrs. Halperstein was unclear in her response, but seemed to mumble something about “those people’ and “it’s not right, you know,” followed by “…and it says in the Bible…”

Julia herself has already broken down barriers and is totally on her way to changing the whole world! Simply by showing her friends a video featuring outdated information and a few lies sprinkled in here and there, she’s giving them their own American guilt. The only way to reconcile the qualms one may have about those poor kids somewhere after watching the video is to share it with at least 10 of your friends. Teen activists can also find a way to help by making posters with slogans on them or wearing a T-shirt that supports the non-mean-ness of children somewhere outside of the United States.

“I can feel a change happening already. We’re all gonna make some popcorn and watch the movie again tonight at midnight, and then shoot off fireworks so everybody knows about what we’re preparing to help save the world!” Julia let reporters know. They seemed impressed, at least a little bit.

Oh, and donate some money, if you could. The CEOs of Divisible Children would like to go out to lunch today somewhere other than McAllister’s. They’re tired of McAllister’s.

by L'ill Sebastian

UT Beautification Program

Still prettier than UT's campus

After the recent demolition of the University Center (UC), the Princeton Review revised its “Ugliest Campus” rankings, actually elevating UT from 11th to 18th on its list.

“The building was so outrageously unattractive that we at the Princeton Review found the piles of gravel and beams left over to be more aesthetically pleasing than the original building,” reported David T. Charles, a representative for the publication.

Chancellor Cheek, meanwhile, hailed the revision, stating, “This is a monumental step toward top 25 status. Having an attractive campus is important to staff and students – past, present, and future. I am pleased to report that we now have exactly that.”

Mr. Charles, however, aggressively disagreed with the Chancellor’s statement.

“No, no, I think he has this all completely mistaken. UT still has one of the most hideous campuses we have ever seen. Think about it this way: the campus has moved from being the shores of Hell to Christopher Walken’s left butt cheek.”

Mr. Charles went on to describe a number of other issues ranging from “aging and inconsistent architecture” to “that thing on Pedestrian.”

According to Mr. Charles, everyone at the publication was especially shocked when a piece of the Humanities and Social Sciences building “simply fell off” earlier last semester, marking the second consecutive year such an event has occurred (with North Carrick experiencing a similar defect in 2011).

“I don’t know how things work in Knoxville, but at most universities, buildings just, you know… kind of keep standing. UT is infamous back at the office; we just can’t wait to see what building is going to crap out next.”

Several neighboring SEC schools, including Vanderbilt and Auburn, have even started charitable and service organizations to assist UT in renovations.

“When I traveled to UT to visit some friends last year, I was genuinely moved to pity,” says Martina Sanders, a student at Vanderbilt. “I felt like I was in a third world country.”

She has since created the “Coalition for a Relatively Prettier UT,” which funds experts to advise current UT administration and construction teams on how to make the campus something that is not “an abject failure in the eyes of civilized humanity.”

So far, the coalition has seen positive results. One of particular note occurred just earlier this week, as Robert West, a retired construction foreman, reported teaching an entire team of UT construction workers the proper way to turn a screwdriver.

“It’s just so rewarding, you know?” related Mr. West. “Their faces just lit up like a bunch of little kids figuring out how to ride a bike for the first time.”

by Sling Blade

Students Mistaking Construction for Considerable School Spirit

Construction workers on campus have been boggled by the recent disappearance of construction signs and plastic barriers around the UTK campus until the most recent Basketball Vols game, during which several students seemed to be “wearing cones on their heads like a bunch of idiots,” according to Jake Walkman. Walkman is a student who witnessed what is being classified as ‘mass confusion’ on the part of spray-tanned females with an over-appreciation for sweaty men in tight clothing, who, in turn, overly appreciate chasing balls.

“Like I mean, why else would these totally cute orange and white party hats just show up right before the game?” Ashley Sambel argued as she donned a small construction cone atop her head, decorated with pom-poms and pieces of scrap metal.

Another tan female refused to comment, mumbling that she had to adjust the strategic placement of heavy orange plastic sheeting barely covering her self-described “touchdown zone”.

Despite insistence from The Construction Company that the reflective headpieces are in fact used for safety precaution and needed back on the site to prevent (further) injury, these sport-appreciating females continue to be zealous in their display of support for sweaty men in tight clothing.

“I think it’s great that the administration has been decorating this ugly construction with school spirit!” Ms. Sambel squeaked at reporters. “Nothing cheers up the Big Screw like some Big Orange!”

A meeting is planned for next Wednesday to break the news that it is merely coincidence that the girls’ school colors simply happen to be the same as those used in construction sites around the world. “It’s going to be rough, but we’ve just got to lay it out to ‘em and see how they respond, I guess,” commented The Construction Company’s general manager. “We can’t afford to lose any more men to their game-day outfits. Enough of the poor guys fall off the lifts just lookin’ at those girls walkin’ to class.”

by L'ill Sebastian

Lost Souls of the CLS office

Last Thursday, campus police - who were investigating a disturbance on the Pedestrian Walkway – were surprised to find burnt remains situated in the center of the Pedestrian Statue. The remains are believed to be the aftermath of a satanic ritual.

“I still can’t believe that someone could tie up a puppy in the middle of a pentagram and light it on fire… kids these days play too many violent video games” Said a police spokesperson. “What has this world come to when innocent puppies are being stolen from Puppy Zone to fulfill some evil ritual in hopes of appeasing some dark god,” another officer commented.

After allowing all hell to break loose in the fort, UTPD had deployed every available officer to investigate this disturbing scene.

After hours upon hours of the crime scene investigation unit looking in every nook and cranny, evidence has linked this grisly scene to the SOLD Office. A plethora of blonde hair had been left at the scene of the crime and it is a DNA match to none other than UT’s CLS director,. A former orientation leader had a few words to say about this. “This stinks of leadership gone badly. I saw the photos of the scene and I think she totally lost her mind; I mean, those incisions were done all wrong. What a waste of a puppy” When asked if this type of brutality happens regularly, she replied with fervor, “Oh of course! How else would we get anything done? The process promotes unlimited submission to all parties. Isn’t that would leadership is?”

In fact, UT’s admission rate has slowly grown through the years. Many freshmen report a trance-like feeling of euphoria after going through orientation. No one seems to recall any of the activities from the two-day experience; they only profess their immense love of the SOLD Office. When trying to contact various freshmen on the subject; the only response mustered was, “Don’t ask questions. Now excuse me but I must get to Puppy Zone.”

With such suspicion around the SOLD Office, we decided to send one of our own to infiltrate said organization with the hopes of getting to the bottom of this mystery. She sends us weekly reports of her observations, and has reported that everyone seems brainwashed. On a few occasions the director has become enraged, sprouted horns out of her head, and occasionally, literally, spat fire. After two weeks, the representative only spoke of a heart-warming feeling not of love, but of fiery brimstone. Contact was soon lost from the young writer; the last information revealed on the writer’s whereabouts was a banquet invitation from the SOLD office claiming they would love to, “have him for dinner.”

The writing staff of The Tangerine initially thought to inform the public of these heinous events in order to prevent more bloodshed. However, the own lives of the staff seemed more important than a few petty moral obligations. Therefore, we suggest the student body blindly follow the rules of any mandatory student-body meetings. After all, “HEIL SOLD OFFICE.”

by Doc Brown

Jobs, Please Come Home!

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke held a press conference this past Wednesday to discuss the continuing issue of job loss in today’s rough economic times. The conference was called to reassure an anxious nation that the Federal Reserve is ready to take further action to find the jobs that many economists believe ran off when little Johnny forgot to close the back gate.

Bernanke outlined a new plan intended to “get the neighbors involved in finding our lost jobs” – the cornerstone of this plan being putting up “lost job” fliers on telephone poles. “This way if someone sees a lost job alone and scared in a back alley, they’ll know who to call so we can get it home safe,” Bernanke said.

Bernanke also said that the members of the Federal Open Market Committee had “marked down” their outlooks on the economy, after all, if the jobs hadn’t come back by now, they probably have been adopted by someone else. “China, probably,” Bernanke added.

The Fed has come increasingly under fire for failure to bring back lost jobs to the American people, but Bernanke seems confident that this new strategy will be the Fed’s most successful. “Over the years we’ve tried everything. We even tried putting treats out in the yard – that just attracted wolves, not jobs,” said Bernanke, “But now we’re trying a new strategy: signs. Big signs. Colorful, eye catching signs.”

Thanks to this new policy, the Fed estimates it will add tens of thousands to the numbers of people looking for jobs in the current economy. Before the implementation of this policy, a little over 8% of the American workforce was looking for jobs. This new plan is likely to double that percentage, which the Fed considers a great success. “I think that was the problem all along,” said Bernanke, “we just needed to get more people looking for jobs.”

Despite the negative jobless outlook for the next several financial quarters, Bernanke seemed to emanate a certain determination that the jobs would still come back. “They’ll come back when they find out what’s good for them. It’s a big world out there and nobody could love those jobs more than we do. It might take them a while to realize, but they’ll be back... they will... they have to come back.”

Bernanke cut the press conference short as he began to weep.

by Tween Wolf

We Support Kimye

Undoubtedly, upon watching recent news one has had the misfortune of hearing about the 2012 Republican National Convention. Republican candidate Mitt Romney has announced his running mate for this upcoming election- some guy named Paul Ryan that no one really cares about. But apart from this boring bit of information, a much more serious issue is at hand.

It’s official. America’s favorite socialite, fashion designer, and unintentional porn star Kim Kardashian is dating pop-god Kanye West. The two were seen holding hands and kissing while on a stroll in the Big Apple in early April but for the longest time refused to tell the public they did so. As with ‘Bennifer’ and ‘Brangelina,’ experts started referring to this blossoming love as ‘Kimye.’ When confronted by the girl he dumped for the Armenian princess, West interrupted her speech by saying, “Yo, I’m really sad fo’ you, Imma let you finish, but Kim has the best butt of all time!” Kardashian, in her own way of proclaiming their love, has taken to wearing diamond gold earrings outlining the initials ‘KW’ of her hopeful future hubby. This bit of news comes as a pleasant shock to the majority of the American people and making KW earrings and necklaces would be beneficial for showing our full support to our favorite stars. Rachel Fox, a junior at UT, says, “I just bought my KW earrings. Like, we need to let them know that we love them and we support them because they mean so much to us!” When asked if he would consider wearing a t-shirt stating ‘Kimmy and Kanye Forever,’ Ben Collins responded, “Oh Hells yeah! Just because I’ve never met these people, and they seem a little selfish and conceited, and neither of them have made any impact on my life whatsoever, that doesn’t mean I don’t care! Kim, if you’re reading this, I LOVE YOU!”

Indeed, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have done incredible things for this country. Kim designs heinous dresses and sells them for a ridiculous amount of money. Her reality TV show Keeping Up with the Kardashians gives some Americans a temporary relief from boredom, however short-lived. And, not to mention her hot sex tape leaked on the internet that provided horny teenagers and creepy old men a ‘fun night in the house.’ West produces songs such as “Swagga Like Us” and “Drunk and Hot Girls” that make his listeners want to bust their own eardrums. Just hearing Kanye speak about himself is entertaining. Sadly, however, there are those in our society who do not appreciate these celebrities and their contributions.

As with all annoying democracies, people who have lives and can actually think for themselves tend to be a hindrance. They say disgusting things like “Who cares?” and “So what, they’re just celebrities.” 52-year-old Matt Rhodes was asked to weigh in on his opinion of Kimye. His response? “Frankly, I don’t give a shit.” Don’t these people understand the importance of celebrity relationships or the impact they have on our favorite magazines? I suggest that the American people should split into two camps called the Pro-Kimye and the Anti-Kimye. We pro’s will proudly wear our earrings and shirts because we care about what’s going on in the world of celebrity sex lives, damn it! And here at this informed university, we support Kimye!

by H.E. Davis

Jimmy Cheek Dines with Students to "Connect with Humans"

Chancellor Jimmy Cheek dined with students in the dining halls in the University Center this week in an effort to better familiarize himself with “human beings.” Between enjoying hot bowls of an un-determined red liquid, Cheek walked through the dining halls engaging in conversation, inspecting human food, and frowning.

The visit is a part of UT’s new re-branding project Big Orange, Big Ideas. The ambiguous marketing scheme is probably supposed to do something, but at this point and time, no one really knows what it does.

Cheek’s lunch inhabiting was spurred from a chain of Big Orange Big Ideas, starting with the suggestion for a suggestion box to be placed in dorms and dining halls, allowing students to express their feelings on how to better enable their learning environment. After sorting through the genitalia drawings, the UTK board of directors found various ideas that students felt needed to be done to make UTK a top 25 school on some poll everybody keeps talking about. You know, that one with the schools and numbers.

This led to the Supreme Chancellor’s decision to mingle with various human beings to learn from their ways, and better emulate their behavior so as to cast a false sense of similarity. However, most students just didn’t seem to feel at home with the being.

“I don’t know man. There’s something off about that guy,” said junior Tom Haverford. “There’s just something weird about the way he walks so slow, and his eyes seem to be just a little darker than normal; and the way he snapped that one girls neck and drank her spinal fluid…..just seemed a little weird. Everybody kind of hung their heads hoping he wouldn’t approach them.”

“I AM YOUR CHANCELLOR. I WILL EAT FOOD. YOU WILL WATCH ME EAT FOOD. FOOD WILL BE EATEN. THEY WILL DIE.”, retorted the Supreme One, inexplicably speaking in all caps.

The board hopes to enact more of the student’s ideas through this campaign, including lifting the price on all sporting events, providing certain classrooms with iPads, and replacing the stairs on the hill with a privately owned mule transportation system.

“We’re really excited about this new transportation system.”, said transportation head Nick Stanley. “Everyone knows the hardest thing about life is walking up the stairs on the hill. The mules will supply both an easier daily task for thousands of students, but it will also instill great culture into Tennessee’s already diverse community.” Stanley added, “Even Dark Lord Jimmy seems to be on board with this plan. He keeps muttering something about how mules are tasty. That guy’s kind of weird, right?”

The Supreme Being Cheek, however, has reportedly been quite disgruntled with some of the other ideas being proposed. Having destroyed the “incompetent” souls of three department chairs thus far, Cheek declared Tuesday in a press conference that, “INCOMPETENCE WILL NOT BE ALLOWED. WE MUST CUT OUT THE WRONG DOINGS OF OUR ENEMIES. THE GREAT DARK LORD SHALL NOT TOLERATE TRIVIAL PURSUITS. THEY WILL ALL BOW TO ROCKY TOP. ROCKY TOP. ROCKY TOP.”

Cheek is expected to enter a period of hibernation next week which will bring peace and good will to the world until his awakening Dec. 21 2012.

by Richard Simmons

Official University Cover Up! University Center Terrorist Plot Revealed

A leaked report has revealed that ‘incompetent terrorists’ are responsible for the destruction of the University Center parking garage, contrary to many of the university administration’s previous statements. Through a joint investigation by the UTPD and the Department of Homeland Security, it has been determined that these inept extremists, referred to in the leaked report variously as ‘bumbling buffoons,’ ‘incapable idiots,’ and ‘mentally deficient degenerates,’ had been planning their attack for months leading up to the botched terror plot, though it is speculated that no amount of planning could have spared these unqualified dimwits the embarrassment of their atrociously poor execution.

While the university has publicly stated that the garage was destroyed as part of a multi-step process to build a larger university center on the same property, the leak reveals that administration officials simply felt bad for the incapable extremists and didn’t want to hurt their self-esteem by revealing the details of the failed mission. In truth, the dyslexic terrorists had not been targeting UTK at all, rather their target was the japanese Kabuki Theaters’ Union (KTU), a target they “just barely missed by more than 6000 miles” according to the report. The motivations for their anti-thespian tendencies remain unclear.

UT Dean of Counter-Terrorism Les Aptman held a press conference shortly after the leak, confirming that indeed, the only organization more inadequate than these hapless radicals is the university administration itself. “I’m as baffled as you are... it looks like butter, it tastes like butter, but it says it’s not butter!” Aptman exclaimed while presenting a carton of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” to the reporters present. After a pause, Aptman continued, “I can see you’re all just as incredulous as I am.”

Accompanying Aptman at the press conference were UT Dean of Defense Charlie Balding and Dean of Espionage Maurice Grossman. Dean of Deli-Sandwiches Rob Dindefort also fielded questions, stating, “Look, we all acknowledge mistakes were made, and there are things this university could improve. We’re very excited about adding three more Subways, a Jason’s Deli, Jimmy John’s, Schlotzsky’s, Firehouse Subs, two more Quiznos, a Blimpie, and a Macalaster’s Deli to the new addition to the UC. There are things this university does poorly, like counter-terrorism, class scheduling, modern art, maintaining the ratio of big ideas to big orange, wireless internet, providing legal options for parking, traffic on game days, football, cafeteria food, pest control, the weather...” It was at this point when this reporter exited the press conference for a smoke, and upon returning to the room twenty minutes later transcribed the remainder of Dindefort’s comments. “...and sometimes I forget to refill the Brita pitcher and so the next time I want water I have to wait 30 seconds and it’s not as cold as it would have been. BUT,” he concluded – finally, “there are things we do well, like... deli sandwiches.”

When pressed for comment after the conference, Associate Provost of Counter-Terrorism Rex Tex McGee revealed the most startling revelation of all: “The terrorists called us shortly before detonation – they were worried that they had the wrong place.” According to Panky, the entire department was just impressed that the terrorists had even gotten as far with the ‘plan’ as they had – albeit halfway across the globe from their actual target. “They were very agitated, explaining how upset they’d be if they’d screwed up the location. Frankly their whining was getting annoying. We thought if we just told them they had the right place they’d end up tripping over themselves and just going home. You can imagine our surprise when the garage actually went down.”

A structure-fault analysis performed after the destruction of the structure revealed that the nincompoops had inadvertently driven into a load-bearing wall while trying to move their vehicle into position. Position for what is still unclear, as the radicals had no explosives of any kind, nor had they brought any kind of demolition equipment with them. The subjects escaped the wreckage relatively unharmed in what officials call “a marked continuation of sheer dumb luck which calls into question the very core of Darwin’s mantra of ‘survival of the fittest.’”

Since the leak of the report, the extremists have been cleared to speak with the press. “We’re being kept here in these comfy rooms – it’s like the whole floor is a sofa! And the walls is too!” said one of the incarcerated dipsticks. “They’re not insane, just really, really stupid,” said warden John Johnny Johnson of the Knoxville Sanitarium. “It’s just better this way.”

by Señor Ducky