Iran Continues To Suck at Everything the US Has Mastered

This week the Islamic Republic of Iran made international headlines with its announcement that it had successfully sent a monkey into space – a feat most other countries accomplished and surpassed long ago. In response, the US, China, Russia, Japan, the European Union and even India all sent a congratulatory response to the reclusive nation.

“We are just so proud of what a paranoid theocracy has accomplished in such a long, long period of time. After all, it isn’t every day a country can make headlines for doing what most every other industrialized nation has already done. Great job! No really, you deserve it. Everyone has to have something to be proud of,” a statement read on the steps of the UN today said.

“I mean, sure you could say Iran has something to be proud of, but it’s like saying a kid with Down’s syndrome had a good day. Even India, the country where Polio was still a thing until just last year, sent a probe to the Moon back in 2008,” the assembled representatives said.

Susan Rice, the United States ambassador to the UN also added, “What are they going to do next, scare us into submission with their mastery of bifocals?”

Outgoing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “It is just a big step for a nation that is crippled under sanctions, has massive inflation and whose definition of ‘international trade’ is black market dealers running cash over the border in the middle of the night. Let’s give them a hand!”

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta jumped up to questions of possible intercontinental ballistic missile technology with “Listen, if Iran wants to send one of their ugly, hairy grandmothers up to space, go for it. Wait, that’s a monkey? HAHA! Jenkins! Get your ass out here! You were right, that it really is a monkey! HAHAHA! I owe you six-pack after all!”

Even Brazil, the country overflowing with drugs, organized crime, and many of the reasons you won’t go to South America, has been a partner of the International Space Station for years, and has already sent a man into orbit, along with several satellites.

Iran still holds public executions for muggings.

In addition, Russia, the country that has a greater bear to human ratio than anywhere else in the world (Editor’s note: not a real fact) and whose government officials take breaks in the middle of the work day for vodka, (Editor’s note: real fact) is the country that put a machine on the moon before the US, and still send men to the ISS.

“America, don’t worry about Iran. They are so bat-shit crazy, they’re more likely to invade Saudi Arabia with an army of highly trained ninja squirrels than develop space technology anytime soon,” Clinton said.

(Next issue, The Tangerine goes in depth on why Iran chose to invest in SquirrelTech, a new Silicon Valley start-up that specializes in squirrel cloning technology.)

By: Archibald Krakenbarger