In conjunction with a rising epidemic spreading through the U.S., The Federal Bureau of Investigation have begun an investigation on the power cult known as the Illuminati.
Founded in 1776 as a Enlightenment-era secret society in the Free State of Bavaria, The Illuminati has come to be known as a devil oriented power group that rules the world through awful music, film, television, politics, and other forms of power in the U.S. Everyone from Jay-Z, Rihanna, President Obama, and Bob Ross have been linked to the mysterious organization, and many artist are reported to include many Illuminati symbols (the all seeing eye, devils calls, etc.) in their various art forms.
Current FBI director Robert Mueller released a press release Wednesday stating, “The FBI will be conducting a thorough and diligent investigation into the alleged ongoing of the mysterious organization. We have top chiefs scouring YouTube day and night collecting evidence, and many field reporters speaking with various roommates across hundreds of universities throughout the country. No video will go unseen, nor roommate’s conspiracy theories unheard.”
Mueller confessed in the following press conference that this is the first time the FBI has relied solely on the help of a viral video website and word of mouth conspiracy theorists. When furthered questioned on his decision to utilize only these two sources, Mueller admitted, “It’s honestly all we have to go on; and trust me, I’ve already heard some stuff that would blow your mind.”
The FBI released their preliminary findings late Thursday night in which they relayed the first findings to the public.
“If you pause every Ke$ha video at 2:43, invert the colors, and flip the screen upside down, you can always find the all-seeing eye somewhere in the frame,” said Chief investigator Donald Furman. “Except ‘Die Young’….and ‘Blow’ and C’Mon’………………and ‘Tik Tok’.”
Furman also reviewed their examination of every Joe Bidden speech in the last twelve years, but was unsuccessful in finding anything remotely related to the Illuminati, or anything not related to fly fishing or ¬Bones.
At the end of their investigation, The FBI will compile all of their information into an iMovie film displayed on YouTube featuring the music of Nickelback and Comic Sans.
By Boolean Kapur
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