After several weeks of lounging
around the house, watching How I Met Your
Mother reruns, and eating leftover Christmas cookies, it is common for
college students to accrue some “holiday pudge.” Indeed, January sees the
T-Recs fill to capacity as hordes of co-eds take to the treadmills to shed the
unwanted pounds of winter break. However, one UT student, Jamie Smith, has
faced an anomalous weight gain that seems impervious to cardio. Smith has put
on 10 pounds, almost entirely in her uterus.
“I just
don’t understand,” Smith lamented, “I have no idea how I let myself get this
big; I just feel so fat and moody.”
When asked
if she had been doing anything out of the ordinary over the past couple of
months to bring on this new girth, Smith insisted that she had not; “I’ve stuck
completely to my usual routine! I eat a healthy diet, I exercise, and I have
lots and lots of unprotected sex with strange men. This just doesn’t make any
sense.”
Smith isn’t
the only one baffled by the odd location of her new mass. We spoke to medical
expert, Dr. Jim Holmes, who is also at a loss to explain the oddity. “Usually
when people gain weight, it’s expressed on their thighs, chins, or stomachs,”
said Holmes. “The fact that Jamie’s is so concentrated in her lower abdomen is
very troubling.”
Complicating matters further are the strange
side effects that have coincided with Smith’s uterine weight gain. “I’ve been
waking up nauseous almost every morning,” she stated. “Normally, throwing up is
a great way to lose weight, but it’s not helping at all.” This nausea, along
with mood swings and bizarre food cravings, has both deeply perplexed the
medical community and turned Jamie into “a pretty big pain in the ass.”
Despite the
stress, Smith admits that gaining this weight hasn’t been altogether negative.
“I haven’t had my period in a while,” said Smith, “which has been a pretty big
plus.”
By: Mo Money & The Big E.C.
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