Leggings Officially Declared Pants

Sorority girls across the nation found reason to rejoice this past Monday. In a press conference announcing their long-awaited decision, the National Clothing Association has officially declared leggings as pants. Although leggings have long been a staple fashion accessory for dresses and skirts, some enterprising young women who were too lazy to put on real clothes decided to start a bold new trend: wearing leggings without anything else covering their legs. In order to preserve some semblance of decency, most completed their outfit with an oversize t-shirt to cover their pertinent bits. To the delight of pre-pubescent and pubescent boys, however, soon the baggy shirts were replaced with tight t-shirts, often with Greek letters on the frocket.

In recent years, Pedestrian Walkway has become littered with girls wearing leggings with boots or galoshes and a t-shirt that barely grazes their waist. These girls have been ridiculed and judged by their more practically dressed counterparts. “Put some pants on,” said Caroline Christian to one group of scantily clad sorority girls. 

            But now these Greek sisters have been vindicated after years of ridicule. The NCA has confirmed this week what most of the ladies at UTK already believed to be true. Leggings are officially considered pants, and it is now a crime, punishable by a public pantsing, to say otherwise or criticize someone who is wearing leggings instead of jeans. The President of the UT Panhellenic board, Mary Sue Ellen, has declared February 2^nd to be National Leggings Day, to commemorate this historic moment. Experts project a near-100% participation rate among lady-Volunteers. Girls seen wearing Ugg boots or Nike sneakers with their leggings will receive a complementary Victoria’s Secret gift card for helping to set examples of fashion at its finest. Those few girls without leggings should stop by the UC on Friday to pick up a free pair of their choice. The men of UT are asked not to participate.

By: Anita Knapp

Iran Continues To Suck at Everything the US Has Mastered

This week the Islamic Republic of Iran made international headlines with its announcement that it had successfully sent a monkey into space – a feat most other countries accomplished and surpassed long ago. In response, the US, China, Russia, Japan, the European Union and even India all sent a congratulatory response to the reclusive nation.

“We are just so proud of what a paranoid theocracy has accomplished in such a long, long period of time. After all, it isn’t every day a country can make headlines for doing what most every other industrialized nation has already done. Great job! No really, you deserve it. Everyone has to have something to be proud of,” a statement read on the steps of the UN today said.

“I mean, sure you could say Iran has something to be proud of, but it’s like saying a kid with Down’s syndrome had a good day. Even India, the country where Polio was still a thing until just last year, sent a probe to the Moon back in 2008,” the assembled representatives said.

Susan Rice, the United States ambassador to the UN also added, “What are they going to do next, scare us into submission with their mastery of bifocals?”

Outgoing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “It is just a big step for a nation that is crippled under sanctions, has massive inflation and whose definition of ‘international trade’ is black market dealers running cash over the border in the middle of the night. Let’s give them a hand!”

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta jumped up to questions of possible intercontinental ballistic missile technology with “Listen, if Iran wants to send one of their ugly, hairy grandmothers up to space, go for it. Wait, that’s a monkey? HAHA! Jenkins! Get your ass out here! You were right, that it really is a monkey! HAHAHA! I owe you six-pack after all!”

Even Brazil, the country overflowing with drugs, organized crime, and many of the reasons you won’t go to South America, has been a partner of the International Space Station for years, and has already sent a man into orbit, along with several satellites.

Iran still holds public executions for muggings.

In addition, Russia, the country that has a greater bear to human ratio than anywhere else in the world (Editor’s note: not a real fact) and whose government officials take breaks in the middle of the work day for vodka, (Editor’s note: real fact) is the country that put a machine on the moon before the US, and still send men to the ISS.

“America, don’t worry about Iran. They are so bat-shit crazy, they’re more likely to invade Saudi Arabia with an army of highly trained ninja squirrels than develop space technology anytime soon,” Clinton said.

(Next issue, The Tangerine goes in depth on why Iran chose to invest in SquirrelTech, a new Silicon Valley start-up that specializes in squirrel cloning technology.)

By: Archibald Krakenbarger

Eerie Screeching Sounds Explained

You guys wouldn’t shut up about it, so I decided to investigate those late-night “screeching” noises, and your suspicions couldn’t have been more wrong: NO the university is not haunted; the sounds simply emanate from the blue light system… probably

The first bloodcurdling cries (audible from a high window in Morrill) begin at midnight.  Blue light stations begin to flicker for approximately 1-3 minutes, during which time they emit cries akin to the seventh level of Dante’s Inferno.  I wouldn’t worry about it.  These screeches are probably just snippets of the alarm sound used when an emergency call is made.

The blue light stations seem to go off in an unpredictable pattern, which is why the screeches fade in and out from 12:00-1:00.  A science buddy of mine explained that because each station has a different location, and thus a different echo pattern, each set of screeches could end up sounding unique, which I believe has precipitated some of the mystery and confusion surrounding the source of the noises.  Yes, sometimes it sounds as though a banshee is crying out from the great beyond to harvest your soul, calling you seemingly by name, but something about physics probably means that’s all just your imagination.

By: Timmy Turner

FBI Investigating Illuminati with Help from Youtube, Roommates

In conjunction with a rising epidemic spreading through the U.S., The Federal Bureau of Investigation have begun an investigation on the power cult known as the Illuminati.

Founded in 1776 as a Enlightenment-era secret society in the Free State of Bavaria, The Illuminati has come to be known as a devil oriented power group that rules the world through awful music, film, television, politics, and other forms of power in the U.S. Everyone from Jay-Z, Rihanna, President Obama, and Bob Ross have been linked to the mysterious organization, and many artist are reported to include many Illuminati symbols (the all seeing eye, devils calls, etc.) in their various art forms.

Current FBI director Robert Mueller released a press release Wednesday stating, “The FBI will be conducting a thorough and diligent investigation into the alleged ongoing of the mysterious organization. We have top chiefs scouring YouTube day and night collecting evidence, and many field reporters speaking with various roommates across hundreds of universities throughout the country. No video will go unseen, nor roommate’s conspiracy theories unheard.”

Mueller confessed in the following press conference that this is the first time the FBI has relied solely on the help of a viral video website and word of mouth conspiracy theorists. When furthered questioned on his decision to utilize only these two sources, Mueller admitted, “It’s honestly all we have to go on; and trust me, I’ve already heard some stuff that would blow your mind.”

The FBI released their preliminary findings late Thursday night in which they relayed the first findings to the public.

“If you pause every Ke$ha video at 2:43, invert the colors, and flip the screen upside down, you can always find the all-seeing eye somewhere in the frame,” said Chief investigator Donald Furman. “Except ‘Die Young’….and ‘Blow’ and C’Mon’………………and ‘Tik Tok’.”

Furman also reviewed their examination of every Joe Bidden speech in the last twelve years, but was unsuccessful in finding anything remotely related to the Illuminati, or anything not related to fly fishing or ¬Bones.

At the end of their investigation, The FBI will compile all of their information into an iMovie film displayed on YouTube featuring the music of Nickelback and Comic Sans.

By Boolean Kapur

Construction Completion Date Set Back by Rain

Some of the more observant students at the University of Tennessee have noticed that it has been raining since the beginning of January in what can only be termed a downpour of biblical proportions. This rain can only mean one thing (besides getting poked in the face by an umbrella held by some douchebag who wasn’t watching where they were going last Tuesday… you jerk): the ever-present construction has been put on hold. Some of you may be asking: What does this mean for that big crater by Haslam Business Building? The new music building? That meth lab in East Stadium Hall? While those students who don’t attend class except on exam day shrug their shoulders, unaware that construction was happening in the first place, The Tangerine has been informed that because of this one-week delay, construction on campus is now ten years behind schedule.

The construction company maintains that they would have “gotten a whole bunch done,” in this one week, and can only recover from this setback by extending expected completion by ten years.
In their press conference, the construction company stated that the section of pedestrian walkway that goes through the work zone has been shifted, and asked students coming down from The Hill to be aware of this.  “Please stop trying to walk through an active construction zone without a hardhat you idiots,” said company representative Wes Browning. Hardhats will be available for purchase in the University Center bookstore, although you can’t really put a price on safety. (Actually you can, they cost $50.)

Many UT students were disappointed in the news of the delay, especially the small percentage of students actually set to graduate in four years.  Some students who were looking forward to utilizing the new state of the art student union have decided to drop all but one class per semester, “because nothing says priorities like letting a building delay your education… I really hate this school sometimes,” said John Williams, who clearly has no appreciation for campus beautification.

By Anita Knapp

Morgan Freeman Actually God?

    In 2012, a rumor was spread via the internet that famed Hollywood actor and all-around cool dude Morgan Freeman had died. Though the rumor was proven false, the same rumor is spreading again, but this time, it is true, and the circumstances surrounding his death are, in some ways, stranger than fiction. Upon hearing rumors of his supposed death, Freeman reportedly became so enraged that, “simply put, his arteries exploded,” according to Dr. House. The same rumor that had once been started as a joke soon led to Freeman's death.

    Upon examination of the man's body, doctors noticed that there were organs missing from Freeman's body, and several other unidentified organs inhabited the remains. The functions and importance of these are still unknown to scientists and medical professionals. It has therefore been declared an issue of national security that President Obama has made his top priority.

    “What the experts are suggesting is that Freeman may possibly be an extraterrestrial creature from outer space,” Obama explained to The Tangerine in an interview outside Mercy Hospital, where the body was being held. “They're unsure of what to make of it. If he is an alien, then we will have to track down the rest of his family, destroy them, and then act like none of this ever happened. Don't want to scare the public, ya know.  Wait, are you recording this?”

    Everyone knew that Freeman had otherworldly abilities that the average person could not even fathom. He has been seen countless times talking to an unknown source in a dialect that no one knew of, and strangely enjoyed every single episode of Star Trek, even the much beguiled Deep Space Nine. On the set of Bruce Almighty, Jim Carrey noted, “Freeman did all of his own stunts, and even some of mine somehow. It was like he was... a god or something.”

    Pending further investigation, Freeman will be classified under the “Unidentified Beings” file along with Michael Jackson and Rasputin. The U.S. government has procured the body to shield it from the public eye. Meanwhile, the government officially acts as if nothing happened – that Freeman hadn't even died. Tracy Morgan has elected to begin disguising himself to take Freeman’s place saying, “The public doesn't need to know that their favorite actor has died. Let Freeman be...a free man.” Tracy Morgan Freeman continued to smile in spite of himself.

By: Slim Shay Tee

Butch Jones fired for not winning a single SEC game

 

Butch Jones, former head football coach at the University of Tennessee, has been dismissed from the position for not winning a single SEC game.

Jones, who coached the team from December 7, 2012 through January 12, 2013, will leave with a perfect record, having not won or lost a single game; both the best and worst record of a UT football coach since the creation of the program.

With the firing, the rising senior class on the football team will have associated with four separate coaching staffs.

“I was contacted by Fulmer, recruited by Kiffin, coached by Dooley, and briefly introduced to Jones,” stated junior offensive tackle Marquess Omarion. “At this point, I’m just hoping I get to find out who the next coach is before he’s gone.”

As recently as last week, Jones’ coaching staff was reportedly moving into their new homes, replacing their wardrobes with new gear, and settling into their new offices, all of which now appear to be moot points.

During the break, the coaching staff was welcomed to Tennessee with a reception, hosted by athletic director Dave Hart, including keys to the city for the entire staff, and access to the exclusive coaches club on the ninth floor of the Sunsphere.

With the process of paperwork required to nullify coaching contracts and employment, the Tangerine calculates that Hart had to have prepared for the termination at least three days before the gala was held, leaving many East-Tennesseeans wondering; has the Jones era lasted too long.

Bill Darcy, native of South Knoxville and avid sports fanatic, began a petition to fire the head coach of the program two weeks before Jones was hired.

“Gotta prepare for the worst, man,” Darcy depressingly declared.

Due to a string of unfortunate head coaching issues in the football program over the last six years, the search committee in charge of finding the next head coach will be tasked with both finding UT’s new head coach and his eventual successor, a move Hart describes as investing in the program’s future.

By Boolean Kapur

Underclassman disappointed in lack of rioting following smooth transition of head coach

As UT replaced former head coach Derek Dooley with Butch Jones, many freshmen and sophomores were quick to express their exasperation in the smooth, calm transition that occurred. Citing the dramatic departure of Lane Kiffin and the events directly following, some freshman were saddened to see an overall lack of rage, riots, and burning of mattresses that they saw on YouTube some years ago.

“I came here for the football. Only the SEC do we take it so seriously, and I was outright disgusted with the maturity and calm demeanor of the entire student body as Derek Dooley left. I wanted to march down Peyton Manning Drive with an angry mob and storm Neyland Stadium! What happened to the good ole days,” Lucas McCarrington, undecided freshman and suspected douchebag said. 

Although Dooley’s departure was far from unexpected, (he left the school in a three year losing streak for the first time in a century) many were still upset over the calmness of it all. 

“I know we were all expecting it, but why couldn’t Dooley have done something cool like streak through campus or go on talk shows saying the school was all against him from the beginning? That’d been pretty sweet huh? Instead we get some lame-ass, polite response saying how glad he was to have worked here blah blah blah. Pussy. And don’t even get me started on the lack of enthusiasm. Come on guys, let show some school spirit,” sophomore Danielle Crocker said. 

Although the lack of ‘excitement’ and the depth of maturity of the transition process may indicate to some a desire to move on and look to the future, others are still hoping for one last chance for Tennessee to be in the spotlight.

“I still check espn.com on the hour to see if a tell-all book by Dooley has been announced about how no one had his back while he was here, and the NCAA violations he was forced to turn a blind eye towards,” McCarrington said.

By Archibald Krakenbarger

Holiday Weight Gain, Oddly in Uterus…

 After several weeks of lounging around the house, watching How I Met Your Mother reruns, and eating leftover Christmas cookies, it is common for college students to accrue some “holiday pudge.” Indeed, January sees the T-Recs fill to capacity as hordes of co-eds take to the treadmills to shed the unwanted pounds of winter break. However, one UT student, Jamie Smith, has faced an anomalous weight gain that seems impervious to cardio. Smith has put on 10 pounds, almost entirely in her uterus. 

            “I just don’t understand,” Smith lamented, “I have no idea how I let myself get this big; I just feel so fat and moody.” 

            When asked if she had been doing anything out of the ordinary over the past couple of months to bring on this new girth, Smith insisted that she had not; “I’ve stuck completely to my usual routine! I eat a healthy diet, I exercise, and I have lots and lots of unprotected sex with strange men. This just doesn’t make any sense.”

            Smith isn’t the only one baffled by the odd location of her new mass. We spoke to medical expert, Dr. Jim Holmes, who is also at a loss to explain the oddity. “Usually when people gain weight, it’s expressed on their thighs, chins, or stomachs,” said Holmes. “The fact that Jamie’s is so concentrated in her lower abdomen is very troubling.”

             Complicating matters further are the strange side effects that have coincided with Smith’s uterine weight gain. “I’ve been waking up nauseous almost every morning,” she stated. “Normally, throwing up is a great way to lose weight, but it’s not helping at all.” This nausea, along with mood swings and bizarre food cravings, has both deeply perplexed the medical community and turned Jamie into “a pretty big pain in the ass.” 

            Despite the stress, Smith admits that gaining this weight hasn’t been altogether negative. “I haven’t had my period in a while,” said Smith, “which has been a pretty big plus.”

By: Mo Money & The Big E.C.