Butter Not Mess with PAULA DEEN

Next Tuesday, Paula Deen will be hosting a city-wide “Appreciation of Butter” festival in Knoxville.  The festival comes in response to city officials considering cracking down on supposedly  “unhealthy” foods such as deep-fried twinkies, chocolate-covered bacon, and Epic Meal Time’s Fast Food Lasagna.  While officials claim the proposed measures would merely apply to city-operated institutions, Paula Deen was quick to join the chorus of mostly overweight and diabetic citizens decrying the new stipulations.

“We will never let them take away our God-given rights to a hamburger cooked in its own grease, lathered in cheese, covered in bacon, and sandwiched between two donuts,” Deen said at a rally Thursday evening.  “Butter is slippery, which is why we should all be eating more of it – to lubricate our veins and arteries.  That’s just science.”

The Butter Festival will feature hot dog eating contests with prizes for both speed and quantity consumed.  Additionally, many food vendors are planning on setting up carts throughout the fairgrounds.  Local pizzeria owner James Smith called setting up a pizza cart at the festival a “no-brainer.”

“You’ve got the fattest and the laziest people in all of Knoxville all congregating to celebrate their own collective obesity.  It’s like taking asparagus from a very fat, very lazy baby.”

Paramedics will be on site to assist the many expected victims of cardiac arrest, as well as to generally point and laugh.  The medical staff will be working what the obese patrons are calling the “loser tent.”

“If you can’t handle the lard, swim your way out of the mayo vat,” said notably overweight citizen Billy Joe Bobby.

UTPD will be charged with securing the fairgrounds - an area they affectionately refer to as the “pig sty.”

By Tween Wolf

Candidates Interrupt Each Other, Kanye Interrupts Candidates

Attendees at this past week’s presidential debate were witness to a bizarre sight not originally aired on network or cable television.  While the debate was characterized by both candidates typically interrupting and talk over one another, at one bizarre juncture,  Kanye West stepped in to express his own unique take on matters of national importance.

“Imma let you finish, but I just wanna say... Ron Paul had the best platform of all time!”

The moment seemed to stun both major parties’ respective candidates, but as time went on, they seemed to welcome his entrance into the debate.

“I don’t know what’s better: gettin’ paid or gettin’ laid,” interjected Kanye during an exchange about the economy.  “What I mean by that is.. you see, they be a lot a people in America today who ain’t got no work.  They ain’t getting’ paid.  But that don’t mean you can’t get laid.  Don’t lose hope America, Kanye’s got your back!”

In a CNN insta-poll, the results showed  24% believed Obama won the debate, with 21% declaring Romney the victor, and 55% pledging their vote to Kanye.

Pundits have been quick to speculate on the long-term impact of a Kanye candidacy.  Democratic political adviser James Carville mused that Kanye had a strong chance of playing spoiler for Obama in many swing states as “most Romney supporters don’t listen to real music like Kanye West.  His lyrical genius will play right into the Republicans’ hands by siphoning off votes from Obama.”  Republican strategist Frank Luntz had a different take, “Everyone knows Kanye is the voice of a generation.  He has a real chance to win this thing outright.”

In closing remarks at the debate, Kanye had his best performance of the night – a moment many pundits are proclaiming as the tipping point in the race.  “I am not a fan of books, I would never want a book’s autograph.  I am a proud non-reader of books,” he began, “I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it.  If I was just a fan of music, I would think that I was the number one artist in the world.  I still think I’m the greatest.  That is why you should vote for me, the lyrical genius and voice of a generation.  Also, George Bush still doesn’t care about black people.”

By Tween Wolf

New Greek Row Not To Be Confused With Actual Neighboring Greek Community

It seems far too coincidental that the location of UT’s new Sorority Row would be directly alongside the nesting site for Knoxville’s newest Greek immigrant population. A recent and unprecedented influx of Greek people has made Knoxville home in recent months. Greek emigration has spiked due to Greece’s recent economic trouble. And as Greece’s economy has declined, it seems confusion in Knoxville has proportionally risen. A growing number of the new immigrants have taken residence only a block from UT’s new Sorority Village. The uncanny proximity has set the stage for tremendous confusion.

Emilia Gertole, a Greek Knoxville resident, recently encountered problems when a number of guests to her wedding mistakenly arrived at the University’s Alpha Chi Omega house for the occasion. The wedding guests were all too merry and reportedly holding an impressive lamb offering when met with confused stares at the entrance to the AXO House. The Alpha Chi’s, getting ready for their fall formal, were equally confused. The first of the girls was amorously grabbed by the eldest woman of the lost group, who adorned her with several kisses on the cheek before lowering her down to safety, realizing she was not, in fact, related to her. According to witnesses, the group then extensively exchanged uncomfortable stares before being turned away.

The group then proceeded to knock on every door on the street, unwittingly also knocking on doors to incomplete homes and remaining there for several minutes awaiting an answer before moving on. This confusion resulted in the group “missing out on the hummus” that was served at the celebration.

Similarly, many UT students have found the proximity of the two communities inconvenient. A pungent odor of baklava has been cited present on Sorority Row. Many have reported feeling “less Greek” alongside actual Greek neighbors. Furthermore, many visitors to the UT sorority homes have mistakenly arrived in the Greek neighborhoods only to flee after overhearing cultural step dancing from outside.
T-link traffic has spiked with distress calls from students finding themselves in the community. Accidental drop-offs are at a record high for UT.

“Sometimes we’ll just drop them off there,” an anonymous T-link operator admitted openly to reporters. “They’re usually too drunk to notice,” the driver said pausing, “And I’m usually too underpaid to care.”

The Greek people, initially thrilled with news of shared Greek heritage, are now just puzzled as to why they are not being reciprocated. “We give them rack of lamb,” a local Greek woman said shaking her fist to reporters Thursday. “Rack of lamb! And they give us nothing!”

The attitude among students seems to follow a similar pattern.

“This is America, not Greece,” a UT student asserted, pointing out the countries on a large globe in his hands multiple times to reinforce his point. “I think we all need to remember that.”

As of now, the International House refuses to comment on the issue.

by Jillson

Extreme Parkour Geocaching

The day has come when two fads have come together to make a brand new baby-fad. Parkour (stunts performed by teenagers attempting to be as “hip” as video game characters from Assassin’s Creed) and Geocaching (treasure hunts done by retired old people with nothing to do) have become new ways of passing time among the UTK student body and indeed across the country, and their hybrid bastard offspring promises to take the world by storm.

The object of this new practice is to place a piece of paper (preferably in a small, camouflaged tube) on top of a building, inside some elevated area, or hidden inside some object that is impossible to get to unless performing a wild stunt. When the paper is grabbed, the person writes their name, the stunt they did to get it, and parkours it back to its original place for the next person.

Allen Schmidt, a “Parkour-Cache” enthusiast, has boasted finding over 300 different caches with over 1000 stunts. After being asked for a demonstration, the young man brought onlookers to the clock just outside of Humanities and Social Sciences. From there, he jumped up, straddled the clock, and then flipped to the top. After grabbing a piece of paper from out of the face of the clock, he proudly stated, “See? Nothing to it.”

Parkour caching does, however, come with its risks. Many building owners have had parkouring intruders on their properties, looking for caches. Attempts to find the next tricky cache have resulted in the widespread destruction of private property as well as the bones of many enthusiasts. Parkour-caching has even caused many deaths of younger, inexperienced parkour enthusiasts who, as Schmidt states, “haven’t properly honed their ability to leap from two-inch ledge to two-inch ledge.”

Many want this dangerous hobby banned because of its destruction on both property and humans alike. Celene White, an elderly homeowner, claimed she even saw a young man on top of her own house in search of a cache that was placed on her roof without her knowing.

“I miss the old days of Geocaching,” she said angrily, “Back in my day, caching was much more tranquil and a lot less dangerous. Only hooligans Geocache now.”

UT Campus is Going Extreme Green

As the brutal summer heat fades into the crisp air of fall, the leaves of Rocky Top slowly turn to shimmery shades of orange. Naturally, the leaders of UT’s Make Orange Green Campaign are furious. “We’re trying SO HARD to make this campus as green as possible, so of course nature has to come and screw everything up!” said the student president of the campus organization. With the leaves changing faster, this environmental group has been scrambling to find a solution to their fading reputation.

Fortunately for them, a hidden supply closet tucked into the depths of the theatre department was recently uncovered, only to be filled floor to ceiling with different shades of green paint. When interviewed of the recent find, the head of the theatre department replied, “There’s no telling how long that paint has been sitting there. Probably since the performance of A Mid Summer’s Night Dream in 1952” The environmental council jumped at the opportunity to commandeer the vast quantity of free paint, and now plan to change UT’s landscape, one paint brush at a time.

The task of painting each leaf green has proven to be a harder job than originally thought; the ‘Literally Make Orange Green’ campaign has had a slow start. “We’re having a really hard time recruiting people for the job; it turns out that no one in the environmental group wants to go around painting trees! And to think they say they have the best interests of UT in mind…” remarked a weary manager for the project. Still, the campaign announces that they will not give up their dream of seeing an artificial green colored campus.

However, it appears that many roadblocks stand in their way to emerald victory. The campus’s health board carries concerns over the safety of the old paint. Various tests have concluded that every recovered paint can contains copious amounts of lead. The campaign coordinators have chosen to respond by largely ignoring all warnings about the paint. “For your information, I have been using this paint non-stop for three weeks and haven’t felt a thing. This stuff is so safe, you could drink it!” Against the interviewer’s wishes, the volunteer scooped a large amount of paint in his hand and proceeded to slurp it. When asked for a follow-up interview, the volunteer expressed signs of delusion with extreme mood swings. A few weeks later, he left UT to check into an elderly home specializing in patients with Alzheimer’s disease.

Only time will tell if the Literally Make Orange Green Campaign will be successful. Hopefully the contributors of the project will keep their sanity in the process.

by Doc Brown

Jeter’s Standing Not Diminished After Leg Amputation

Fans in New York are outraged at the recent decision to bench recent double amputee Derek Jeter. Jeter, famous shortstop who has been with the team for 18 years, recently lost both legs to a flesh-eating virus that slowly crept up his leg for the last few years, finally requiring amputation.

“I kept asking for a season off for the surgery required to rid myself of the awful disease,” Jeter said, “but Steinbrenner (the team’s owner), kept pointing out a clause in my contract requiring me to play. I hate New York.”

Fans throughout New York are outraged at general manager Joe Girardi’s decision to take Jeter from the line-up.

Joe Metzcalf, a hot dog vendor on the north east corner of Central Park believed that the team is making the wrong decision in benching the former stud.

“Everyone knows that Jeter is better with no legs than any other shortstop in the game. Name one shortstop in the league, and I’ll guarantee you Derek Jeter could take him in a fight, AND sleep with his wife.”

With the Yankees recent loss to the Tigers in the American League Championship, avid baseball fan Jerry Feinstein has started a petition for Major League Baseball to restart the series with Detroit, this time playing Jeter in every game.

Feinstein told the media Wednesday, “I really like our chances with this one. The MLB loves us, and this petition is already 300,000 strong.”

Feinstein later told reporters, “If they don’t do what we want, I’m going to shove a dildo the size of a baseball bat down Bud Selig’s throat”

The team has run Jeter through some drills with the shortstop in a sports wheelchair, but Jeter was rather unsuccessful, missing every catch thrown his way by a few dozen feet. At bat, the shortstop went 1-for-12, with his sole hit bouncing off the edge of a wheel spoke.

Jeter later told press,” I’m in a wheelchair. Why am I even here? And now, my stubs are bleeding….great.”

Girardi, the team’s manager, stated in a press conference Thursday, “I don’t understand what’s not to get here. Derek will never play again. He’s done. He lost his f***ing legs. This isn’t backyard baseball. God, I hate New York.”

Due to contractual obligations, Derek will continue to work for the organization in the janitorial field, scrubbing toilets, cleaning seats, and scrubbing the team’s ice baths.

“God I hate New York”, stated Jeter.

According to the team’s owner, if he does a decent job down in the scrubs, he could get bumped up to concessions, pending any more injuries.

A rally is being held outside of the front gates to Yankee Stadium next Tuesday in an effort for Steinbrenner to fire every one in the organization, and fill the roster out with Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and an old vinyl copy of Lou Gehrig’s retirement speech.

by Boolean Kapur

UT Offers Benefits to Married Cousins

The LGBT community at UT is upset with the administration for their recent announcement that they refuse to offer equal employee benefits to same-sex couples. Chancellor Jimmy Cheek heard these cries of outrage, and has devised the perfect plan to appease the rowdy faculty and students. “The University of Tennessee will now be offering employee benefits to those faculty members who are married to their cousins,” said the chancellor at a press conference held outside the Clarence Brown Theatre. Uproar followed this announcement, involving lots of screaming and shaking of fists. Cheek smiled at this reaction, obviously misunderstanding what was happening, took a bow, and walked away.

One professor of plant sciences, who prefers to remain anonymous, made a statement regarding this decision. “Me and Berta, we, um, we real happy ‘bout this here decision. I been havin’ some issues with my heart lately, Doc says I been eatin’ too much butter and salt. I don’ trust modern medicine but Berta’s been wantin’ me to get check ups, and they ain’t cheap, no sir. Good ole Jimmy sure got our bes’ interests at heart. He sure do."

On the day following the announcement, Cheek found his office door egged with deviled eggs. According to his assistant, they tasted delicious. Sensing the faculty’s subtle attempt to convey their rage at this new policy, Cheek convened another press conference, ironically in front of the newly vacated PIKE house. Cheek got right down to business, opening his speech with: “I don’t understand what you people want from me. You get mad at me for following the policy of the state of Tennessee regarding same-sex marriage benefits. Then you get mad at me for breaking with state policy and offering benefits to married cousins. What more can I do? All of you just go home. Whether it’s to your same-sex partner, or a family member, I don’t even care. Just go away.” Cheek left the microphone in tears, running like a girl all the way back to his car: a baby blue Toyota Prius.

by Anita Knapp

UT students want better facilities, but no construction

The Student Government Association released a press release imploring the school to cease all construction on campus to relieve the burden on students, while at the same time asking for new and better facilities.

 “We are gathered here today to demand an end to the incessant improvement projects going on at the school,” SGA said today during an interview in Estabrook Hall.

“For too long we have had to continually dodge workmen and cranes just to get to class, when the school should be focused on creating better educational environments. Have you seen this place? It’s a wreck!” he continued, dodging a piece of 19th century plaster falling from the ceiling.

The SGA Vice-President voiced similar opinions.

“This school needs to double its efforts to revamp the buildings around here, and they also need to get rid of those smelly construction workers. They stare at us when we walk by, it creeps me out.”

 “And what the hell is up with that giant hole in the ground behind the Haslam Business Building? We need to cover that up with something,” he continued, referring to the ongoing construction of UT’s new University Center.

After the conference, several students spoke to this reporter about what they thought of the issue.

“It really bothers me that some freshman I will never meet is going to reap the benefits of something I am paying for. What is this, communism? If I am paying for a new engineering building for instance, I want it now! And none of that, ‘It takes years to construct even a decent building’ crap. They build the first stadium here in under a year,” Edward Cunningham exclaimed.

A sophomore majoring in Sub-Saharan Pottery Techniques, as well as being a dedicated alcoholic, continued, “I mean of course it doesn’t take years and years to create world class laboratories and cutting edge classrooms. If it did, then all of the complaining about the construction here on campus would be nothing but self-defeating!”

Hunter Stubbleston, a fraternity member majoring in Wasting His Parents Money, also expressed serious concerns about the direction UT is heading.

“I know we are trying to become a Top-25 school, but let’s just throw a few classroom trailers in Neyland Stadium during the off-season, and call it quits. I’m pretty tired of actually having to walk everywhere. We evolved with feet to work the gas pedal, not for “so-called” healthy transportation.

Besides, if all this construction and tuition are what it takes to create a Top-25 school, I am no longer sure we really need that. What if we settled for like, Top-50, or better yet Top-70?”

by Archibald Krakenbarger

Hipsters Embrace the Mainstream

All across the nation young urban “hipsters” are embracing mainstream American culture on the grounds that not liking the mainstream has just become way too mainstream. Indeed, hordes of former coffee shop enthusiasts are trading in their beanies for baseball caps, their thick-rimmed glasses for contact lenses, and their Wes Anderson films for any movie featuring Sandra Bullock.

Said one UT hipster, “Yeah, I mean, I used to listen to a lot of Bon Iver, but then I saw that his Facebook page had over 1 million likes, so I downloaded some Katy Perry CDs.”

Many hipsters now feel that their counterculture has become saturated – that the only way to remain truly indie is to endorse all that is conventional.

“For me, the last straw was seeing three sorority girls at the farmer’s market ask whether or not some eggs were ‘cruelty free-organic,’” said hipster Nick Fitzgerald, “Now when I go out to eat at big chain restaurants, I’m not doing it ironically.”

When asked if there was a certain irony to his mainstream conversion – done in effort to be even more hip – Fitzgerald smirked and said, “It’s a really obscure concept man; you probably won’t get it.”

by Morgan Mason

UT Pride, Orange the New ‘Olive’

They are everywhere and easy to spot. Sheer orange radiance precedes their arrival.  So who are these creatures, these oompa-loompa look-alikes? These are the ladies of UT, and they are gearing up for the events that will take place later on this month.

Fusions Tanning Salon is a hot spot this season for UT students. Located on Melrose Place, the establishment is strategically placed to draw in naïve Massey-landers and library-goers. Fusions offers many ways for achieving that special look for their customers. Jessica Mills, sophomore, says, “Of course, Fusions offers tanning beds. But I think puke tones match my eyes, so I go with spray tans.” One may ask why the trend now is to get an orange-ish tint to your skin and eschew the olive tones of old. There are two main reasons.

On Saturday, Alabama will be at Neyland and it is vital that students show their school pride. Our football team may suck, but our student section can still be orange as hell. By getting those spray-ons that turn your skin orange, those Roll Tide bastards will know just where our loyalty stands! Male students would do well to follow their counterpart’s example, along with wearing orange body suits and dying mustaches on gameday (girls with mustaches are strongly discouraged from following suit). School spirit must be shown at all times.

So, the girls got their tans, wore their orange dresses, and succeeded at resembling large, orange turds on game day. Is there still are point?

You are walking down Pedestrian. You see an orange girl, and all of a sudden you can’t stop thinking about snickers and lollipops and you don’t know why. Has this happened to you? In keeping with tradition, students are successfully tanning orange to look more festive and pumpkin-like. Who doesn’t like seeing orange when Halloween is just two weeks away? We all have fond memories of Jack-o-lanterns past, and the mixture of thoughts about pumpkins and oompa-loompas can only lead to the thought of candy!
Elle Woods is wrong. Orange is the new pink (or rather olive). So don’t be afraid to go orange. Get out there and show your love for UT and Halloween!

by Frau Blucher