Eco Terrorists Strike Again

Last week, our global warming correspondent, Dr. Hugh Jass, was flooded with letters, emails, and the occasional bomb-threat from a very surprising source. The penguins of Antarctica, previously believed to be extraordinarily stupid, are outraged about global warming! As if Dr. Jass didn’t already have his hand full with the liberal bull-hockiers in Washington, now he has to deal with threatening messages peed in the snow outside his cabin, arson attempts, and overtly racist remarks by the fishing hole from his arctic neighbors.

“If I hadn’t lost my right hand to the blizzard of ’82,” commented Dr. Jass, “And not been able to move my left for the gangrene, I’d give those damn penguins a piece of my mind! They think they’re so clever, waddlin’ and catching fish without the use of basic tools. I say God bless global warming, it makes my job a lot easier!”

Head spokespenguin Phil Lipper was of a slightly different opinion: “The humans have been ignoring the environment for too long now! Terrorism is the only alternative if changes are not made soon. Imagine having your car blow up because of an exhaust clogged with a tasty albacore tuna, or having your mighty factories shut down by covert operatives that are infiltrating your workforce as we speak! Our demands are simple: stop global warming, or pay the price! The clock is ticking!...Now, I understand that there is some talk of this climate shift being part of the natural cycle of the Earth; IF that is the case, then use of the human fisheries and a life-time supply of cold-packs will suffice.”

The current opinions about climate change are polar at best. “There are many misconceptions about global warming right now, the most prevalent of them being that it is bad,” said expert analyst for the Tangerine, Professor Cher RePie as she sharpened her harpoon. “But has anyone even thought of the commercial implications it would have? Imagine catching blue marlin off the coast of Rhode Island... That would be totally slick! So what if a few species get killed off in the process? Newer and more interesting ones will take their place. There’s really no downside that I can see to the global shift, and, if I’m wrong, may I be hung from the highest tower.”

Currently Dr. Jass is investigating any possibilities of meeting the penguins’ demands, or just killing them off faster than they can kill us. “Really, it was a matter of time. Humans and penguins weren’t meant to live together on God’s green Earth,” said Jass, “If anyone’s gonna figure out how to kill those bastards, I want to be right at the front of the lines choppin’ em down, at the ‘cutting edge’ some might say.”

Only time will tell how the conflict will be resolved. In the meantime, The Tangerine will make sure you’re updated to the minute.

by The Newtster

Big Orange, Big Tuition

In just a few weeks, representatives of the University of Tennessee will unveil the newest addition to the BIG ORANGE, BIG IDEAS campaign: BIG TUITION. This innovative slogan will have a brand new tuition web page with the intention of enticing new students and persuading those returning to casually forget about the whole thing. When interviewed about this exciting new change, one representative said, “Well yeah, I mean, how else were we going to pay for all those free shirts?”

The launch of BIG TUITION will also involve too many oversized posters, as well as shirts with a calculated amount unique for each student. Once the slogan and marketing strategy was explained to one student, she replied, “At first I was mad, but boy, do I like free T-shirts…”

According to a recent poll, most students see this change as a struggle only to pass along to their parents. But this is great news for the UT representatives, who are taking this news with great enthusiasm. In the words of Dr. Joe DiPietro, “Wild spending policies, here we come!” In an interview with a parent of one student, the father responded to the tuition news with, “Wait, what? Haha, that’s funny. You’re pretty funny. This is a joke, right?”

As another method to garner a following for the new campaign, UT will give a prize to the student with the highest tuition amount. Dan, a fifth year out-of-state student, appears to have a fighting chance to win the award. “Man, I sure hope it’s another free T-shirt!” he exclaims while standing in line at the blood bank. Many have pressed UT board members for more information about the secret prize. They could only disclose that it involves “soft cotton-y goodness.”

In preparation for the Big Orange initiative, The University procured a loan amounting to $1,400,000,000 in 2011 for the sole purpose of creating a slogan for the university. “That’s a lot of shirts!” said Dr. Joe DiPietro, President of the University.

There are some proposed critics of the policy, notably University of Tennessee Economist, Dr. Ken Baker. Dr. Baker projects that the fiscal burden of all of the new posters and free T-shirts will not be covered in the long run by the increase in tuition and the loans recently taken out. His proposed solution for the predicted budget crisis is that the school should become a “wet campus” once again, and place an excise tax on alcohol consumed on campus.

Only time will tell what The University of Tennessee has in store for its students. Many working for the school hope this truly brilliant marketing strategy will bring in more students as well as more funding. However, others fear that Pellissippi State College will create a counter campaign. Not enough news has leaked at this time, but rumors remain afloat on their slogan, “Pellissippi: We’re a School, too.” The success of both campaigns will only unfold in the hands of future students. Meanwhile, interviewed alumni continue to recite, “Please stop calling me.”

by Doc Brown

UT Takes on New Dean of Food Services

The appointment of local hobo celebrity “Hairy Dave” as the new dean of food services for the university took effect last week. The famed homeless chef is the world authority on the preparation of road kill, has dictated thirty one pamphlets concerning various methodologies for “trash can cookin,” has pioneered the use of tin foil to simmer meals, has researched and designed the cardboard oven, and is the emeritus champion of the “Rakoon Cook-off.”

“We’re grateful to Dave for leading the cafeterias,” stated Chancellor Jimmy Cheek. “He has studied the role of food on the campus and outlined a course that will keep it focused on critical issues, link it more directly to the campus’s academic community, and ensure it remains financially viable into the future.”

“Ya see, wat dis hur campush needs is sum lifeblood and tradition instead o’ dem burnt sausages n dat seven day old mac n cheese. I think it wud beeehoove us ta take a step in the direction o pleasin the students’ stomachs. All O dem doctors can’t seem ta figure out how ta git dis university inta de top tweny five, but I know n’ I can’t even read! Ya lure in the best students dat wud make this here institution grandiose like you would a catch a fat ole squirrel; wit a big tasty meal.”

Hairy Dave started his career at a very young age. He stated that becoming a hobo chef “felt kinda natural.”

“I was ‘bout five years of age when I ran away from ma pa because he was reeeeeeeally angry because ma mah decided it was a good idea to git me a social security number. My pa didn’t like this on accounts of it bein’ the mark o’ the beast and all, so he done cast me out inta the street and tossed me a box of matches, a pack of cigs, and a grate ta cook on and tells me ta GIT.”

“I mean, he smells a little funky… but he has personality” says student Dick Burns. “It is definitely an improvement over what we have now though… Who in their right mind would think it is okay to put yesterday’s boiled hotdogs and fries on top of a pizza?! I am a human being for heaven’s sake… not a dog!”

The appointment of Hairy Dave, although a radical one, might turn out to be one of the administration’s better decisions in the past few years. The number of students eating breakfast is expected to jump up significantly after the installation of the “lumberjack pancake bar.”

“Yall git excited now, ‘caus there’re gonna be some gud eats comin ta k-town,” chimed Hairy Dave.

by Snake Plitzkin

Big Tangerines: Edified Innuendos

Tangerine eh? Pretty clever, because it’s like an orange, but it’s not an orange. Oh, but do forgive me, orange is the official color of the most popular drunktank here, chosen by one Charles Moore, Athletic Director, Colorblind, on April 12 1889. That’s 123 years of not admitting stupid, though admittedly genetic, mistakes, this Thursday; don’t, for the love of god, mention that to any of the locals however. They’re a remarkably apelike bunch, in fact one knocked me down a well of stairs just recently actually; they’re easily frightened, K-Towners, but will return in larger numbers.

They’re a depressingly simple people, to tell you the sad truth. I’d spit on them with you from our pedestal, dear reader, if but I knew your name—I’m Col. Kurtz, by the way, call me, please, but call me Stagger if you do, cause if you think that’s a cool nickname then your my kind of boring, cultured snob. Stagger! Yes, I can already sense your acute appreciation of self-reference and irony, I’ve felt the presence of your kindred spirit since you rolled into town, Sweet Stranger. “Oh, a PoMoPhile! How droll!” you’ve no doubt whispered to yourself already, nerves dancing with a dry, dry humorlust. I commend your punning skills, you literate fetishist. Oh, do give me a call. I’m all dry for you, my sweet bookworm.

You can probably find me judging people from my room in Andy Holt, in Starbucks, at parties, or in my therapist’s. And every Pouter I see, every Party Pooper and Negative Nelly doing some light reading, perhaps the Tangerine, some Proust, or Ulysses, I’ll wonder if it’s you, my delicate, brilliant reader.

God, I’m so dry, baby.

But as for navigating Knoxville; stick to the shadows, and be brave. Try not to make eye contact with any of them, and I would suggest pyjamas or gymwear for camouflage, if you’d like to go unnoticed. You’ll see some of the weaker ones on the grates, making a valiant effort to stand out, but don’t be fooled by their mall-rat “fedoras” and “free-spirited” hair dyes. The athletes you’ll notice playing their University bought iPads in class, great big orange fellows, especially don’t start conversation with one of them, they exist under a sort of athletic immunity, so they could do anything. Everyone else is some strata of stupid between those two extremes. It’s a hard life, my beau, not for ordinary persons.

But worry not, you’ve come to the right place for culture, my hungry friend, and you’ll be eating right off my—out of my hand, rather. I almost said something—tasteless. Do forgive me. But yes, the moist, unprocessed pulp of the Tangerine will quench your animal thirsts, fellow traveler. Dare! Dare to eat that Tangerine, my dear Prufrock! Because, like the sign I stole in the name of ideals says, it’s time to show the world what this generation can do—dear, dear reader; you’re holding it in your hands!

by Col. Stag Kurtz

Parents Beg Student to “Stop Bugging Us”

A plea was sent out by distraught parents from Jackson, TN to the University of Tennessee on Wednesday for their daughter, Robin Sanders, to “please, just leave us alone”.

“We’ve repeatedly asked her to just stop calling to see how we’re doing,” said Robin’s mother. “It’s annoying. She’s in college. We paid for it so we wouldn’t have to hear from her for at least 4 years. We’re keeping our fingers crossed for 5. She’s not very...how do I put this…?”

“She’s kinda dumb, honey,” chimed in Mr. Sanders.

Upon questioning, Robin admitted to pestering her parents anywhere from one to three times a month with exceedingly obnoxious calls lasting about 2 minutes. According to her, she blathers on about trivialities such as upcoming tests, emotional problems, and concern for her health.

“Honey, remember that time I got her off the phone in 55 seconds? Talk about a victory!” Mr. and Mrs. Sanders high-fived and fist bumped.

The Sanders are bothered by the infrequent contact from their daughter because it cuts into the time they have to “play WOW, drink margaritas,” and take part in other activities unsuitable for newspaper print.

The Sanders have just one small request for the student body:

“If anyone sees our daughter, please—we beg you—tell her to shut up.”

by Chester Cheetah

Druggies mistake car plant for dub step show

A group of 20 or so dread-locked and groin pierced “dub-heads” wandered into a local car plant, and proceeded to rave to the mechanical sounds emanating from the warehouse’s many electrical drills and cranes for an astounding 14 hours straight.

The facility, one of the nation’s first fully machine-operated plants, was shutdown Tuesday morning when the plant’s manager found three of the fans wedged into the conveyor belt carrying window shields for the company’s truck line.

“Yeah, bro, it was crazy”, stated Taryn McNeal while recovering from a drug overdose at the UT Medical Center. “This dude put on a sick show. He had this laser installation that looked like he was opening the door to the universe.”  McNeal was found passed out next to a sedan door mold.

The group of college dropouts, drug dealers, and drunkards were heading to a local show at The Valarium, when they mistakenly drove 360 miles out of way, arriving at the plant around six in the morning. Upon walking in an open side entrance, the group split up throughout the plant, riding hydraulic lifts, swimming in a bin that stores mechanical grease, and breathing in the fumes from the engine testing units.

Jake Humbrough, a recent UT unrollee, is believed to have stared at his neon green glowstick for 12 hours on end, causing temporary brain damage, and permanent loss of sight in his left cornea. “Totally worth it,” Humbrough said from his hospital bed.

Dubstep has been on a meteoric rise in the past two years, throwing bandnames like Bassnectar, Skrillex, and Flux Pavilion into instant fame, especially with the young adult demographic. The genre, noted by its insistent use of filtered bass lines and lack for any type of genuine musical talent, has started to pack local venues on a consistent basis, startling avid music lovers across the globe.

“I tried one of those concerts once”, admitted Brandon Piles, a guitarist in the local indie outfit Coconut Face. “I just didn’t understand the point. This guy came over and yelled at me about the cultural influence Skrillex has had on classical music for forty minutes. I just kind of walked off.”

The manager of the plant is not pressing charges on the car-plant-crashing concert goers, citing, “These kids are way too dumb and too poor for me to sue them. I pity them. They’re like….animals. I don’t know, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Luckily, no machinery was harmed in the mishap.

by Toucan Sam

Recent poll of NASCAR fans reveals America to be “#1”

A recent poll of fans of the popular National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing conducted by UC Berkley professors and top-level research assistants has revealed that the general consensus is that America is, in fact, “#1”.

This overwhelming response won in a landslide, with very slim margins responding with “these colors don’t run”, “f*&^ yeah”, and “Rest in peace Dale Earnhardt”. Astoundingly, none of the answers collected criticized America in any way.

“I keep turning on the news at night, and all I see are these terrorist infecting my way of American living. The way our fore-fathers meant for us to live is at stake, man”, exclaimed a fan simply known as Fat Dale. “We need to remember that America is and always will be #1. They don’t say ‘God Bless America’ for nothing.” When researchers questioned Fat Dale on his knowledge on religious freedom, Fat Dale retorted eloquently, “Man, f@#$ other religions.”

The poll, proctored over five separate NASCAR Sprint Cup races, questioned over 5000 fans according to three criteria. Applicants were required to name the last thirty Sprint Cup champions, feature some form of publicly shunned visible hair style, and currently live with at least their second significant other.

The league, famous for attracting some of professional sports’ most patriotic fans, has remained a main-stay in American culture since the early 1950’s, promoting ideals of strong ties to one’s country, fried foods, and a vicious lack of respect for Earth’s ozone layer.

The cross examination found Bristol, Talladega, and Daytona to bring out the most patriotic fans, the latter of the three involving a brutal alcohol-fueled fight between a man wearing a “Herman Cain for President” t-shirt and Rick Perry himself midway through the fourth hour of the race.
A new study will be held at the start of the next Nationwide Series to determine which country serves the biggest threat to living in America, favorite household defense weapon, and why Jeff Gordon is “such a little douche”.

by Betty Crocker

UT Reveals their Austerity Plan

As we all know, weathering the current financial storms has been hard on individuals as well as sprawling entities employing thousands of workers, such as the University of Tennessee. The economic strain on UT has been especially difficult to manage when taking into account the university’s upward aspirations. In a recent statement made by Chancellor Jimmy Cheek, Cheek addresses the budget crisis: “It’s time to focus on the future. Our goals for the coming year are these: making strides in our journey to become a Top 25 public research university, promoting programs that will keep UT Knoxville accessible and affordable, promoting civility, increasing faculty diversity, and opening new inlets of revenue into the university, including widespread smuggling of drugs into the country from Colombia, the sale of arms and nuclear technology to warlords across Africa, and utilization of the Vol-Navy along the Tennessee River to raid barges and river boats of valuables.”

“Not only will these measures help to equilibrate our massive budget, but they will also serve to develop international ties and provide many enriching internships for our students,” says Jimmy Cheek. The austerity plan, developed by Dr. George Spiva of the University’s Economics Department, has garnered high praise from public universities across the nation as well as the nation of Greece. “It is my belief that the main priority of the University of Tennessee is to provide an affordable education by any means necessary. The state has been fucking us over for far too long....This is revenge. Goddamn pennypinchers.”

Multiple students have already taken advantage of these wonderful opportunities. Howard Johnson, a junior majoring in Business Administration, has reported, “during my stay in Colombia, I was able to polish up my Spanish, forge relationships with powerful men that will help me when I graduate, and, on top of all that, I was able to gun down a few farmers with dual uzis out of a truck window!”
Aside from the smuggling scheme, the University is also cracking down on local drug dealers in order to build a monopoly throughout the South East. Amanda Currie, a sophomore majoring in Logistics, is in charge of organizing several local gangs to “deal with” big time suppliers from the Appalachians.

The University of Tennessee’s relationship with African War Lords has not only had an outstanding effect in Africa, grooming the hierarchy overseas, but has also armed students with first-hand experience in the enrichment of fissionable substances. “Mr. Abdullah Sharif had never completely realized the implications of having a few nuclear warheads in his arsenal until he watched his enemies disappear,” says Tyler Stephens, a graduate student in Nuclear Engineering.

The University of Tennessee has also seen fit to capitalize on the recent upsurge in rebellions throughout northern Africa by supplying them with heavy armaments and explosives. President Obama has given accolades to this program in particular. “It is necessary for our younger generations to learn how to control the world’s various dictatorships by the instigation of uprisings. The CIA had not exacted the science in the seventies, but it is believed that this partnership with academia will quickly complete our mathematical models and allow for the science to be finalized.” The Chemistry Department has started offering paid internships to science majors interested in learning how to design, manufacture, and test plastic explosives.

On an aside, some studies by Alexia Holden, a senior in Statistical Analysis, show that these efforts in Africa are making progress in the reduction of the AIDS epidemic, especially in lands now owned by warlords benefited by our internships.

The last part of the three tier plan proposed by Cheek was to organize the Vol navy. “By utilizing the resource that is our fans, we are expecting to pull high eight figure sums from the river itself,” says Cheek. He continued by stating “The engineering students are furiously working on constructing a series of traps designed to disable large boats coming down the river, which will then be raided by our zealous alumni in an attempt to recapture the glory days of their youth.” The raw materials, such as coal and iron, which are shipped up and down the river, will be used to create power and build new research facilities respectively.

Head of the Sociology Department, Dr. Jon Shefner, has stated that “these policies are merely a thinly-disguised jump backwards for humanity, in the name of education.” Shortly after this statement, the entire sociology department’s funding was cut and reallocated into the University’s modern art budget.

“Ultimately, our efforts will be rewarding for everyone because they will yield tangible results. We will increase the quality and value of the education we provide to all of our students. We will further develop our research base. And, as our academics and research strengthen, we will expand our contribution to the state’s economic growth by solving real-world problems through innovations,” says the Chancellor. He continued, “I look forward to taking this exciting journey with you.”

by Sly Stone