Art Building Graffiti Still Penises

University of Tennessee freshman Zach Graves entered a stall in the men’s bathroom of the Art and Architecture building this past Tuesday with high hopes. Knowing that some of the most artistically gifted students in the state spent a large portion of their time in this building, Graves could hardly wait to discover how their imaginative talents would be realized via their bathroom artwork. He opened the stall door with bated breath. Would he find murals? Mosaics? What kind of stirring would he feel in his soul? Unfortunately for Mr. Graves, it turns out that the bathroom graffiti in the Art building is still just penises – "And they're not even any good," he claims.

Though Graves concedes that perhaps his expectations were a bit unrealistic, he has been unable to hide his disappointment over the crass subject matter. “I guess that I just expected more from these guys,” he stated. “They all seem so deep while they’re wearing scarves and smoking cigarettes outside of HSS, but that bathroom is just wall to wall cock and balls. I guess the drawings are slightly better than in other bathrooms on campus, but still they’re… really underwhelming, you know?”  

Several chief perpetrators have been quick to defend their bathroom stall dick-drawings. In a recent interview with art major Moonflower Herschwitz, he emphasized that Graves needed to read further into the meaning of the phalluses.

 “What most people see in the first stall as a drawing of a penis ejaculating onto a butt is ACTUALLY a metaphor about the injustice of the war on drugs, obviously” he explained. “And the sharpie sketch of a man 'watering his lawn' with his penis is actually an allegory for the effects of colonialism in Latin America,” he continued.

When asked about the portrait of Chancellor Jimmy Cheek in stall three, Moonflower admitted, “That one’s actually pretty straightforward.” 

By:  Mo Money & The Big E.C.

UT Finds Financial Independence in Off-Season Plans for Neyland Stadium

            In 2009 as the recession set in, the state of Tennessee cut millions of dollars out of the budget for higher education, affecting the aspirations for its young people hoping to better their lives. The motives for such a decision that would obviously never affect the long-term economic growth of the state or lose the respect of any person that even slightly values higher education remain a mystery. Fortunately, the University of Tennessee has come up with a plan that frees the campus from the moronic whims of local legislators who shall not be named, while providing much needed tourism to Knoxville. What is this magical plan? The answer, of course, is bull-fighting.

            Unveiled this week, UT will be the first place outside the Latin-speaking world to host such an event, which will take place in Neyland Stadium.

          “This will be a great boon to Knoxville. At the end of each football season, the stadium just sits there empty; the only good it does is give bored freshman a place to break in and find lists of the athlete’s GPA’s.... Which of course does not exist! But a better idea is another sport, something that will get people excited enough to buy season tickets! So of course we came up with bull-fighting,” Athletic Director Dave Hart said.

          While many animal rights groups have already pointed out the obvious brutality of the sport, and the fact that many nations that practice the custom have been trying to ban it altogether, students are staying positive.

         “Some say brutal, cold-hearted, and bloodthirsty, but all I am hearing is another reason to get black-out on a saturday afternoon. Come-on, it’s a mixture of thousands of immature, drunken college students with giant, enraged animals—what can go wrong?” Tyler Radick a junior frat-star majoring in Natty-Light chugging said.

         The only complaints that have been taken seriously so far has been from the maintenance crew, which said that the rivers of blood and gore will stain the field, and that they will require more men to make sure the turf is ready by football season.

By: Archibald Krakenbarger

Tangerine Exclusive: Experimental Botany Actually Quite Boring

            The Ag Campus - a mysterious alcove beyond the railroad tracks featuring wild-looking buildings with fantastic names.  From the secretive Rascheff Research Facility and the possibly-clandestine Plant Biotechnology Laboratory to those opaque awnings next to the Central Greenhouse (what kind of mushrooms are growing in there?), the inscrutable secrets of the botanical world have been unfolding behind closed doors - until now.  In this Tangerine Investigative Report, we decided it was time for those plants to see the light of day.

            ...I mean, metaphorically of course.  Obviously those plants are getting light at sometime during the day - that's how plants work.  Get off my back, you know what I mean.

            The prevailing view on campus seems to be that the Ag Campus holds untold wonders.  “Yeah, dude.  They’ve got a whole collection of carnivorous plants,” says Cory Fleming, one of the students we consulted before setting off for the Ag Campus.  While this piqued our interest, Cory's story of flesh-eating foliage seemed unsubstatiated - “Some dude told me at a party this one time.”  This wasn’t quite enough for us, so we decided to take a peak for ourselves.

            Unfortunately, it seems the North Greenhouse merely houses a collection of native grasses.  The Center greenhouse houses a variety of tomatoes.  The South Greenhouse houses basil and other spaghetti-ready herbs.

            And... that's about it.

            During our investigation we were able to interview a suspicious-looking man with a tussled beard, a brown bag, and unsteady gait walking around the Rascheff Research Facility who seemed to confirm the carnivorous plants theory.  Upon further investigation it was determined the man was actually just drunk, homeless, and possibly crazy.

By: Timmy Turner

Big Orange, Big Orange

The University of Tennessee, also widely known as "Big Orange", unveiled future plans for a project Sunday that may give this title a whole new meaning. The plan outlines steps to genetically engineer orange trees until they yield the largest orange ever recorded. Intended to underline the University's global awareness, the harvested fruit "may have potential to end world hunger", said the Chancellor at the unveiling.

He went on to list off the nutritional benefits of oranges and ways that the project could indirectly annihilate the problem of global warming, AIDS, and cancer, though he failed to elaborate on how. The orange is to have a diameter of up to 30 feet when fully grown. In a comment from the College of Agriculture, the fruit will weigh "a metric shit-ton" with several hundred pounds of citrus to feed Knoxville's less fortunate.

"Just as it has in the past, Knoxville will serve as the global epicenter," Jimmy Cheek said in his closing statements, "As has been with all great things--first Knoxville, then the world."

A nutritionist spoke following the Chancellor at the reveal, disqualifying most of what he had to say, informing the audience that not only was the project impossible, but that consumption of an orange of that magnitude would be difficult.

Coincidentally, he same group the project is to benefit lack the resources needed to even begin the peeling process. Afterwards, the nutritionist added that a diet of only citrus wouldn't even help the malnourished, and that there was absolutely no correlation between oranges and AIDS. "The climate isn't even conducive," he said, looking out from the podium as if begging for a reaction from the silent audience, "Well, this is your tuition money at work," he finished, sighing and exiting.

Following the reveal, Cheek immediately notified US News of the project which responded with "Jimmy, we're not still not changing UT's ranking. Please stop calling us."

Companions of Cheek have voiced concerns for the Chancellor, reporting chronic muttering of "top 25, top 25, top 25…" under his breath accompanied by a sequence of 25 eye twitches before repeating the cycle again. However, despite criticism, the University vouches to deliver on its plans. "This will put us on the map," Cheek said in follow-up statements, "You will be able to see this thing from space."

By: Jillson

Origins of the Black Cultural Center

           In attempts to please the UTK student body, the Tangerine has decided to investigate the origins of the Black Cultural Center (BCC) and how it gained it’s prestigious title. After several minutes of investigation, Tangerine researchers discovered that the BCC building was named after a sudden breakout of the Plague. The plague, also commonly known as “The Black Death”, was one of the world’s most devastating diseases, and was responsible for the annihilation of the majority of the European populace. Contrary to popular belief, the Black Death did not start in China – it started right here, smack dab in of Knoxville.  And even more contrary to popular belief, the BCC is not named for the slew of cultural events that take place there, but instead for the Black Death bacterial cultures that were synthesized on the premises.

           “The Black Death started because o' some damn rats we shipped to Europe,” Bill Handy, head of maintenance reports, said, “But we hafta remember, this was what, like, three years ago? Besides, we exterminated all dem mice. Well, there are a few runnin' around up in the ceilin', but they don't bother nobody. As long as no one stays in the building for more than an hour then they'd be fine.” 

           When the news leaked to the students and faculty, people began questioning how the university could possibly feel obliged to anoint something with a name that caused so much devastation.  People also question how the administration could feel safe allowing students and teachers in the facility.

           “That's just sick,” Amanda Freeman stated, “If the Black Death started there once, then it can happen again. We are very concerned about our safety.” In response to this the administration is installing hand sanitizer pumps, and decontamination showers in the blue lights around campus. During the spring semester of 2011, UT called in a decontamination team to examine the area, but they quickly fled the area when students started a riot. When we questioned the leader of the disturbance, he was dumbfounded. 

            “Decontamination team? I thought they were futuristic KKK members! After all, they were marching around the BCC and exclaiming how it needed to be cleansed. What were we supposed to think?”

           UT has yet to find another company that is willing to disinfect the Black Cultural Center. However, the administration released a statement claiming that the building is safe and sterile. It was an event that occurred a long time ago and “should not be considered as a threat to human health”. This is contrary to the reports of the dead bodies of construction workers being found around the BCC. The workers were found with large bite marks all over their deteriorating bodies. 

           Nevertheless, Jimmy Cheek has supported this ruling, stating that the facility has been safe for decades now. He claims that no one will catch the disease – that is, as long as nobody decides to crawl into the attic.

By: Slim Shay Tee