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Friday, August 30, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
US Taxes Rest of World
With the US coming out of its worse economic downturn in
over 70 years and facing crippling deficits, Capitol Hill has been embroiled in
a fiscal war that has taken the nation by storm. Yesterday, however, Congress passed
bipartisan legislation that it believes will “restore the nation’s sovereign
debt rating, eliminate the deficit, and lower taxes for all Americans.”
Representative John Boehner, who was looking especially orange, spoke
enthusiastically to the press about the bill on Thursday.
“A
common theme in these fiscal debates has been ‘who is paying their fair
share,’” he began. “But you know who has been floating along, scotch free the
entire time? The rest of the world.”
Named
the Global Equality Act, the legislation requires that other countries pay
Social Security, Medicare, and marginal income taxes similar to those paid by
American citizens. Beginning this year with Europe, the legislation will expand
to include the rest of the world by 2016. American response to the historic act
has been decidedly positive, while Europeans reacted like selfish children.
David
Cameron, Prime Minister of the UK, appeared bewildered, saying, “They’ve got to
be joking. It’s that rubbish American humor, right?”
Barack
Obama immediately called Cameron, informing him that the bill is “certainly no
joke” and “any funny stuff” would result in “sanctions, fines, and a wedgie
that would shatter his very being.”
Other
European countries have complained of the apparent arbitrary nature of the tax,
with Spain being largely exempt from all taxation because “Paul Ryan supports
Real Madrid,” while the comparatively poorer Moldova faces rates near 100
percent because Senator Harkin of Iowa experienced “Lucifer shits” during a
layover there in 1998. Meanwhile, France has been markedly docile, immediately
wiring the US Internal Revenue Service nearly 300 billion dollars.
Following
the bill’s enthusiastic domestic reception, Congress immediately began
brainstorming a wider implementation. Representative Don Young, who respectfully
referred to Hispanic laborers on his childhood ranch as “Wetbacks,” urged the
inclusion of “those poor folk out East,” saying “the towel heads and orientals
ought to pay for their share of our rampant spending.”
The
monumental nature of the bill has even sparked the interest of former
legislators, with Mike Gravel of Alaska recommending that Congress expand IRS
coverage to the North Pole to take advantage of the world’s wealthiest
resident.
“By my
estimates, Santa Claus sits on a trillion dollar operation,” his letter began.
“On top of that, the fat bastard has been around for hundreds of year, so he
owes billions in back taxes.”
Response
to Gravel’s letter was marked with bipartisan rage, with Senator Bob Corker
shouting, “Tax Santa Claus? Mike, you can fucking BURN IN HELL!”
After
the senators screamed themselves out, Rand Paul filled the lull, opining that other
countries’ fiat currencies offered the US no respite, and that the only
effective means of fixing the deficit would be “taking the gold away from those
shady Jews.” This made things pretty much awkward for everyone.
By:
Nader Announces Candidacy...Again
If
you were to list his accomplishments accompanied by vintage video clips of his
younger years, it would be like a sad antithesis to Dos Equis commercials. His
most pivotal achievement was nearly 40 ago. If you add up his 5 presidential
runs, you might get 1 percent of the gross general vote. His name closely
resembles Darth Vader. Well, I guess that is actually kind of awesome.
In
case you’re an imbecile and have not guessed, this man of mystery is Ralph
Nader. And news sources have just announced that he will be running in next
years’ SGA campaign for student body president.
After
failing in his quest for the US presidency and succeeding in driving Al Gore
into stress-induced obesity, Nader believes the UT student body will be a more
receptive campaigning ground.
“UT
has so much room to improve,” says Nader, continuing “I can bring the wave of
positive change to this campus.”
Among
his policy points are new regulations to limit per capita oxygen intake,
claiming that UT students “breathe copiously, and it’s tearing apart our
atmosphere.”
“It’s like you hicks
think the trees will soak up all the CO2 and turn it into oxygen or something.
Well, it doesn’t. This isn’t Narnia.”
Further, Nader plans to
replace all UT vehicles with motorized scooters, requiring that their riders
cover themselves with “soft things,” such as pillows and snuggies to prevent
injury in case of a fall.
Nader has certainly
covered all of his bases, even registering as a full-time student in the school
of business for next fall. In class, Nader plans to make his “best sour faces”
at business professors for supporting “the crooked American way.”
When asked for his
opinion on the current SGA campaigns, Nader responded simply, saying “They’re
all stupid and I hate them.”
Asked for specifics,
Nader emphasized their focus on various issues on campus instead of the
environment, before poking fun at the candidates’ names.
“I mean, Lindsay and
Lindsey on the same campaign? HAHA, very funny. And Laura Burgin? Sounds like Sour
Purgin, or Torah… just give me a second, I’ll come up with something… and don’t
even let me get started Baker Atchley…”
This reporter was only
too happy to not let him get started on Baker Atchley, and promptly ended the
interview.
Despite his optimism,
polling done by local news sources has not swung in Nader’s favor, with support
falling between .9 to 1.7 percent of the projected vote. One poller, Joe Trippi
of the Knox News Sentinel, described most of his supporters as “hipster,
slightly disturbed, or very, very angry.”
“We had to ask one
student to momentarily refrain from chewing his arm off so he could properly
annunciate,” Trippi continued.
Another was enthused by
Nader’s religious views, saying “He’s Greek Orthodox! I mean, who the hell is
Greek Orthodox? It’s like he tries to be irrelevant. Love him.”
By: Buttholious the Stern
The T Myth Cracked
The University of Tennessee’s
greatest campus legend involves the school public transit, known commonly as
the T. Not only will the T always arrive at your destination ten seconds before
you no matter what—making you regret not waiting at the bus stop—but they are
also rumored to be giant magical creatures capable of dolling out free tuition
to the un/lucky students who get in the way.
This is
a common story told by freshmen, like Kent Phillips, trying to look cool to
their new friends. In PCB cafeteria, Kent was telling his personal story while
a naïve group of students listened: “Yeah, so I totally know this guy from
Hess, whose friend from Clement has a brother, who was talking to this guy from
Massey, whose roommate had a brother that saw a guy get hit by the T. ‘That
guy’ totally is going to school here for free.”
The
search for someone who had a literal run in with the T was unsuccessful. Either
you would find someone claiming to have been hit by the bus to all their
friends only to learn that they are a liar that forgot how to do stairs and
embarrassingly broke their leg, or you would find that the subject of the story
does not even exist.
Just
when all hope seemed lost, a contact known only by the alias “Deepest Throat”
divulged a dark secret. According to Deepest Throat “the reason why there are
no students that exist that have been hit by the T and given free tuition is
because of the University’s policy of ‘Double Tap’.”
That’s
right, the drivers of the T have been taught to give no mercy. Should a student
be struck by the T, then the driver must throw it into reverse and finish the
job. Not only does this occur, but apparently the University goes one step
further. There exists a secret police force that will clean up the mess. The
secret police go about erasing every shred of proof that the student ever
existed in the first place, and unlucky witnesses to a case of Double Tap are also
taken care of. So make sure to look both ways and repeat these words “I didn’t
see anything.”
KMART, America’s Premier Child Abuse Location
Nationally, mothers prefer to wait until they get to Kmart before beating their children. This is most likely due from a stressful car ride and the fact that “Little Haley just can’t leave the little coupon dispensers alone” said Katherine mother of 27.
This includes all forms of discipline: spanking, slapping, name calling, yelling and of course the ‘101 reasons WHY you are not going to get that toy.’ “We all get annoyed when our kids are acting up in the store and there is no reason we have to wait til we get home.” said an Oklahoma mother of four in between spanks.
Spanking has become a very popular form of discipline and many parents claim to enjoy it. “I don’t know, I just get enjoyment out of beating him” says one mother, Kirsten Loom, mother of 3. In a recent interview, single mother Lashawna Johnson said of her 128 month old son Nicholas, “He just doesn’t know how to behave in public.” She says, “I can’t wait until I get home to punish him, so it happens, right there in the middle of the weave aisle.”
A Good Housekeeping survey shows that beating children in Kmart is not only healthy for the relationship of mother and child, but beneficial. It shows that women who beat their kids in public are more stress free throughout the day because they can release their tension and lash out at their children. Additionally, the child feels a sense of security.
Jamie Howell has followed this parenting tactic since her 18 year old son was a baby and states “When it gets to the point of where your child is too scared to get into the car because you might actually be taking a trip to Kmart, then you know it’s working.” The younger generation seems to be catching also. “My mother used to beat me in the store all the time, every trip.” says 16 year old Taylor, who now has a son of her own. “It’s going to be passed down like a family tradition.”
A new Kmart that opened up last year in Florida now has a “spanking section” right in the middle of the store and Kmart manager, Bob Wesley, says that “The line is longer than the checkout; it’s like they’re not even interested in our products, but as a father I know the satisfaction of taking things out on your kids is much more important than anything we have to offer.” So next time you’re at the store with your child, don’t be afraid to beat the crap out of him; whether he is behaving or not, is not really an issue, and as for yelling? That helps too, a wonderful method used by mothers everywhere. And if yelling doesn’t work? Well then just spank them!
By Doctor Watson
Freshmen Move into Vol Hall
More
students than ever are making the mistake of deciding to attend UTK year after
year, despite the many reasons they really shouldn't. Tuition hikes, the general ugliness of
campus, and the miles you have to hike to get to class are all factors being flagrantly
ignored by naive incoming freshmen. The influx of these poor, misguided
individuals has led to changes in housing policy for the coming year.
Starting
in Fall of 2013, freshman Haslam Scholars will have their own floor in
Volunteer Hall. “We figured Haslam Scholars weren’t set enough apart from their
classmates, and thought that isolating them even further would help better
enamor them to their peers,” said a representative for UT Housing. Unfortunately, many students are not taking
this news as well as the administration had hoped.
“They’re going to get beat up. Vol
Hall is full of upperclassmen who don’t like freshmen to begin with. And nobody
likes Haslam Scholars,” said sophomore J.P. Reeser, a resident of Vol Hall.
Upperclassmen have worked hard to
secure their spot in the best and most exclusive on-campus housing the
university has to offer. Many say they will not take kindly to freshmen taking
up residence in their dorm. Already there are plans to strike at the Haslam
floor, playing pranks like filling the halls with tiny cups full of water or
releasing three pigs labelled 1,2, and 4. However, because Haslam scholars
sleep in the library most nights anyway, they aren't likely to notice.
"Everyone
knows that an integral part of freshman year is living in a terrible dorm room
in too-close quarters with someone you met over the Internet." said
sophomore Josh Richards. "Real
freshmen don’t have kitchens, full beds, and their own bedrooms. They have a
microwave with questionable stains in it, a barely functioning mini-fridge, and
a lofted bed that they constantly fear falling off of."
Scholars
will also miss out on the chance to live alongside students experiencing their
first year away from their parents, as well as their first year without curfew
and a seemingly unlimited supply of vodka. The shouting of drunken freshmen
will not fill the halls of Vol Hall as they do Carrick, Humes, and Massey. If
the Scholars cannot experience the hell that is living in a freshman dorm, they
will not be able to fully appreciate how much better literally any other
housing option is, even a run-down house in the Fort - you know, the place
where murders happen.
By: Anita Knapp
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