Cheek Pockets Sex Week Money, Buys Hair Plugs

Outrage swept campus last week when the administration pilled $11,000 in funding and his formal support for Sex Week only weeks before the event. In the aftershock of this recent debacle, Cheek did release a statement today addressing the basis of the complaints.

“Transparency is an essential part of leadership,” Cheek said earlier today, “So I apologize for not being more forthcoming. To be honest, I was afraid to share something like this, but my hand has been turned.

I needed the money for Sex Week to get back into the dating game. As much as folks compliment me on being the experienced stallion of manliness I am, there is still a lot of self-esteem issues I have been working through,

Collecting himself, Cheek looked up from his podium. “As the face of the university, I owe it to the student body to provide the best image possible of UT. So that’s why I’m taking a sabbatical to Hot Springs, Arkansas for a relaxing massage and facial treatment, and if there’s any money left, maybe have a doctor take a few years off the ’ol mug.

I am the face of this establishment, and I want only to make that face more beautiful. While I initially believed that a fun and educational week of quality student programming was a valid use of university funding, I now plan to use that money to cover the cost of this trip and a years’ worth of facial cream to keep me looking young.”

Further research revealed that Cheek has, in fact, battled self-esteem issues since middle school, an issue which also makes it hard for him to show his face consistently around campus. For the remainder of the conference, Cheeks outlined the rest of his grooming plan, which includes getting swole, chin tucking and successfully rocking a male tank top, as well as Lasik surgery. “Like a caterpillar, I will emerge from this period of metamorphosis as a butterfly!” Cheek said as he finished his presentation.

Despite his admirable willingness to openly discuss his alopecia, righteous indignation still lingers. Much media attention has been given to the controversial budget decision, and the response appears to be overwhelmingly negative, with rumors of protest circulating. Yet, some favor a more cordial approach, suggesting the purchase of stage makeup for television appearances as a more economical option.

Whatever the reason, it seems unlikely that the ruling on Sex Week will change. Perhaps it is best that we simply accept our Chancellor for the insecure, man he is and embrace the delightful transformation to come.

By: Morgan Freeman

Art Building Graffiti Still Penises

University of Tennessee freshman Zach Graves entered a stall in the men’s bathroom of the Art and Architecture building this past Tuesday with high hopes. Knowing that some of the most artistically gifted students in the state spent a large portion of their time in this building, Graves could hardly wait to discover how their imaginative talents would be realized via their bathroom artwork. He opened the stall door with bated breath. Would he find murals? Mosaics? What kind of stirring would he feel in his soul? Unfortunately for Mr. Graves, it turns out that the bathroom graffiti in the Art building is still just penises – "And they're not even any good," he claims.

Though Graves concedes that perhaps his expectations were a bit unrealistic, he has been unable to hide his disappointment over the crass subject matter. “I guess that I just expected more from these guys,” he stated. “They all seem so deep while they’re wearing scarves and smoking cigarettes outside of HSS, but that bathroom is just wall to wall cock and balls. I guess the drawings are slightly better than in other bathrooms on campus, but still they’re… really underwhelming, you know?”  

Several chief perpetrators have been quick to defend their bathroom stall dick-drawings. In a recent interview with art major Moonflower Herschwitz, he emphasized that Graves needed to read further into the meaning of the phalluses.

 “What most people see in the first stall as a drawing of a penis ejaculating onto a butt is ACTUALLY a metaphor about the injustice of the war on drugs, obviously” he explained. “And the sharpie sketch of a man 'watering his lawn' with his penis is actually an allegory for the effects of colonialism in Latin America,” he continued.

When asked about the portrait of Chancellor Jimmy Cheek in stall three, Moonflower admitted, “That one’s actually pretty straightforward.” 

By:  Mo Money & The Big E.C.

UT Finds Financial Independence in Off-Season Plans for Neyland Stadium

            In 2009 as the recession set in, the state of Tennessee cut millions of dollars out of the budget for higher education, affecting the aspirations for its young people hoping to better their lives. The motives for such a decision that would obviously never affect the long-term economic growth of the state or lose the respect of any person that even slightly values higher education remain a mystery. Fortunately, the University of Tennessee has come up with a plan that frees the campus from the moronic whims of local legislators who shall not be named, while providing much needed tourism to Knoxville. What is this magical plan? The answer, of course, is bull-fighting.

            Unveiled this week, UT will be the first place outside the Latin-speaking world to host such an event, which will take place in Neyland Stadium.

          “This will be a great boon to Knoxville. At the end of each football season, the stadium just sits there empty; the only good it does is give bored freshman a place to break in and find lists of the athlete’s GPA’s.... Which of course does not exist! But a better idea is another sport, something that will get people excited enough to buy season tickets! So of course we came up with bull-fighting,” Athletic Director Dave Hart said.

          While many animal rights groups have already pointed out the obvious brutality of the sport, and the fact that many nations that practice the custom have been trying to ban it altogether, students are staying positive.

         “Some say brutal, cold-hearted, and bloodthirsty, but all I am hearing is another reason to get black-out on a saturday afternoon. Come-on, it’s a mixture of thousands of immature, drunken college students with giant, enraged animals—what can go wrong?” Tyler Radick a junior frat-star majoring in Natty-Light chugging said.

         The only complaints that have been taken seriously so far has been from the maintenance crew, which said that the rivers of blood and gore will stain the field, and that they will require more men to make sure the turf is ready by football season.

By: Archibald Krakenbarger

Tangerine Exclusive: Experimental Botany Actually Quite Boring

            The Ag Campus - a mysterious alcove beyond the railroad tracks featuring wild-looking buildings with fantastic names.  From the secretive Rascheff Research Facility and the possibly-clandestine Plant Biotechnology Laboratory to those opaque awnings next to the Central Greenhouse (what kind of mushrooms are growing in there?), the inscrutable secrets of the botanical world have been unfolding behind closed doors - until now.  In this Tangerine Investigative Report, we decided it was time for those plants to see the light of day.

            ...I mean, metaphorically of course.  Obviously those plants are getting light at sometime during the day - that's how plants work.  Get off my back, you know what I mean.

            The prevailing view on campus seems to be that the Ag Campus holds untold wonders.  “Yeah, dude.  They’ve got a whole collection of carnivorous plants,” says Cory Fleming, one of the students we consulted before setting off for the Ag Campus.  While this piqued our interest, Cory's story of flesh-eating foliage seemed unsubstatiated - “Some dude told me at a party this one time.”  This wasn’t quite enough for us, so we decided to take a peak for ourselves.

            Unfortunately, it seems the North Greenhouse merely houses a collection of native grasses.  The Center greenhouse houses a variety of tomatoes.  The South Greenhouse houses basil and other spaghetti-ready herbs.

            And... that's about it.

            During our investigation we were able to interview a suspicious-looking man with a tussled beard, a brown bag, and unsteady gait walking around the Rascheff Research Facility who seemed to confirm the carnivorous plants theory.  Upon further investigation it was determined the man was actually just drunk, homeless, and possibly crazy.

By: Timmy Turner