The LGBT community at UT is upset with the administration for their recent announcement that they refuse to offer equal employee benefits to same-sex couples. Chancellor Jimmy Cheek heard these cries of outrage, and has devised the perfect plan to appease the rowdy faculty and students. “The University of Tennessee will now be offering employee benefits to those faculty members who are married to their cousins,” said the chancellor at a press conference held outside the Clarence Brown Theatre. Uproar followed this announcement, involving lots of screaming and shaking of fists. Cheek smiled at this reaction, obviously misunderstanding what was happening, took a bow, and walked away.One professor of plant sciences, who prefers to remain anonymous, made a statement regarding this decision. “Me and Berta, we, um, we real happy ‘bout this here decision. I been havin’ some issues with my heart lately, Doc says I been eatin’ too much butter and salt. I don’ trust modern medicine but Berta’s been wantin’ me to get check ups, and they ain’t cheap, no sir. Good ole Jimmy sure got our bes’ interests at heart. He sure do."
On the day following the announcement, Cheek found his office door egged with deviled eggs. According to his assistant, they tasted delicious. Sensing the faculty’s subtle attempt to convey their rage at this new policy, Cheek convened another press conference, ironically in front of the newly vacated PIKE house. Cheek got right down to business, opening his speech with: “I don’t understand what you people want from me. You get mad at me for following the policy of the state of Tennessee regarding same-sex marriage benefits. Then you get mad at me for breaking with state policy and offering benefits to married cousins. What more can I do? All of you just go home. Whether it’s to your same-sex partner, or a family member, I don’t even care. Just go away.” Cheek left the microphone in tears, running like a girl all the way back to his car: a baby blue Toyota Prius.
by Anita Knapp
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