Jock Aces Test, Shoves Self into Locker

Knoxville, TN – Local high school jock and “nerd basher,” Jordan Shaw, was dismayed last Monday to discover that he had earned an A on yet another AP statistics test. This is the third straight exam on which Shaw set the class curve, leaving him with no choice, but to call himself a geek and shove himself into some nearby lockers. 

Shaw is the captain of his school’s football and baseball teams and has been surprised to discover that he is in any way intelligent. “After my first perfect score, I thought that it was a fluke, but they keep piling up, and I can’t deny anymore that I’m a dweeb,” said Shaw, just before giving himself a swirly. “Rocking my letterman’s jacket and harassing nerds is what I do. How could I maintain any sense of identity, if I excluded myself from the abuse?” he continued, while coughing up toilet water. 

            In further bad news for the young bully, a recent test revealed his IQ score to be 134, far above the national average. In response, Shaw has stolen his own lunch money every day this week. “I’m making my life a living hell,” lamented Shaw, “I dread seeing myself at school every day because of how much I pick on me.”   

            Shaw’s identity woes were compounded after receiving a stellar interim report card and being asked by his principal to begin tutoring his peers. Shaw was last seen in the history hallway, pulling his underwear over his head after learning of his induction into the National Honor Society.

Mo Money 

New Student Organization to Promote Absolutely Nothing

OutReach, SGA, FBLA, IMPACT… University of Tennessee has more student organizations for more causes than women Charlie Sheen claims he's slept with. Many of these organizations have one core aspect in common: they all work to promote a social/religious cause, political issue, interests on behalf of the student, or other so-called ‘important’ topics. What most fail to realize, however, is the blatant discrimination common among the elite, “I’m-smarter-and-more-productive-than-you” student organizations: No organization has existed for the advancement of lazy students... until now. 

                UT claims to be nondiscriminatory by allowing the creation of student coalitions for every harmless cause on the spectrum, ranging from normal to nutty. However, UT’s policy only permits the creation of official student organizations if they are working towards a so-called “productive goal.” Administration officials do not permit an organization on behalf of uninterested students who don’t care and don’t want to do anything. Caroline Donahue and Josh M. O’Connor (who requested to have his middle name redacted in order to remain anonymous) saw this discrimination, protested the “fascist university” that we attend, won their case, and are now in the process of starting a brand new organization – one that has the interests of the common student at heart. Said Donahue, “We will be setting up a stand on Pedestrian next week in an effort to spread awareness. Not many folks know about the plight of lazy people. I know there are a lot of us out there, if we can just get the uninterested people interested.”

                The co-leaders have many ideas for what Students Advocating for Nothing In Particular (SANIP) will actually do (that is, nothing in particular). “For one meeting I’m planning on having members meet at a room in Hodges, and I’m thinking that I would have us all lay down and take a nap” described an enthusiastic future officer of SANIP. “And for another one, I think it’d be cool if we all get in this circle and talk about our favorite whispers from the UTK Whispers facebook page.” Undeclared sophomore Josh O’Connor, who shall remain anonymous, explained what issues will be discussed at a typical meeting: “Since we seem to be the only ones on campus who are not ignorant with the fact that we are ignorant, we are going to address strictly irrelevant issues. Like if Justin Beiber really was born with a vagina. Or how does one properly keep a resume unimpressive.”

                Unfortunately, because SANIP only caters to students who care about nothing and don’t want to get involved with anything, it is unlikely that those students will be interested in getting involved with the organization at all. “But this is more than trying to get members,” said North Carrick resident and president of SANIP O'Connor, “it is a fight, a proclamation, that yes, lazy and uninterested people do exist and they wish to be given equal representation on campus. Even if they don’t care one way or another. Look for their stand next week and hear their powerful slogan, “WE. JUST. DON’T. CARE!”

Frau Blucher

Recent Dancing Sensation blamed for Meteorite

In light of the recent meteor landing in Russia, scientists are reporting that the meteor was quite mysteriously in fact much larger than predicted. When leading Russian space expert Ivan Zavalov was asked about the meteor's size he responded simply, “It’s over 9,000!!!” While meteorologists were unable to come up any explanation for the phenomenon, Ms. Dr. Catherine Smallz PhD., head of the “world-renowned” Anthropology Department at the University of Tennessee, claimed that other forces were at work.

“There was no way that anyone could have predicted that meteor, it was most obviously the result of the Mayan god, Pdidusmixpoclot, in response to the recent increase in meteor dances done in his honor.”

Dr. C. Smallz elaborated on the lesser known “harr-lei-uhum schake” (or “The Harlem Shake” in lay terms) in which one individual starts flamboyantly dancing, and is soon followed by the whole rapturous congregation in order to ask Pdidusmixpoclot to rain down meteors upon the earth. People of all ages have taken it upon themselves to participate in “the new dancing sensation that’s sweeping the nation” by sharing sanctimonious video-testimonies of faith over YouTube.

Dr. Smallz has been delighted by the recent enthusiasm and interest in Mayan weather dances. “We haven’t seen anything this exciting and popular since the 'Mayan Apocalypse of 2012' nonsense.” She goes on to say with maddened vigor that “any Anthropologist with an actual degree can tell you the Mayan apocalypse was always supposed to occur in December 2013!” Ms. Catherine theorizes, “If the popularity of the “harr-lei-uhum schake” continues, then the Mayan Apocalypse of 2013 will be much worse than predicted! I’m warning you, America, the Mayans haven’t been wrong yet!”

Francine Frassati

PCB Supports Montana Carcass Law

In this past week, Montana has joined several of its fellow states in allowing road kill to be used and served for dinner. Most southern states, including Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and other “redneck utopias” have ordained this law as “useful for getting rid of waste” and “beneficial to the environment.” None of these states, however, have a restaurant willing to admit that they use such tactics in their cooking. As of yesterday, that stands no longer.

            The PCB at the University of Tennessee Knoxville announced that they will join the effort to dispose of waste by serving road kill to their students. They claim that “perfectly good meat is being wasted just decaying on the road” and that “it's better than what we normally serve the UTK students anyway”.

            “I ran over some freshman on the way to work,” A toothless PCB employee told The Tangerine this morning, “I made sure he wasn't breathing and then brought him back with me to work. There, we skewered him and turned him into fresh 'pork chicken burger'. Those kids will eat anything as long as you just say its meat.”

            Many students and parents have objected to this, but there are some who support the cause. Billy Ray, father of Bubba Ray (sophomore at UTK), states, “That is how he eats at home. Nice to know that he's getting some good ol' home-style cooking.” Other students claim that they had no idea the PCB had begun making menu improvements. Stating that the food still tastes like the shit they took that morning.

            In response to the onslaught of several disagreements and petitions that ask the PCB to never serve food like this, Jimmy Cheek came out of his room and said to the world, “The UT way of life is not up for debate. We are going green, and that means cleaning up the streets. We get so much road kill as is, since so many students neglect to wait for the little walkie-man thing to light up before they cross the street. Now we're cleaning the streets, cleaning the environment, AND most importantly cutting costs. We're killing two birds with one car! And no, that was not an attempt to pun.”

            The PCB offers several different road kill choices, satisfying even the pickiest of eaters. In an average day, they serve “fried road kill chicken”, “deer caught in headlights”, “the too slow turtle”, “terrier tenderloin” and several different ages and varieties of rabbits, birds and students.

           “We take careful measures to skin the animals and take out their vital organs,” a PCB worker reported, “When we are done cleaning up the meat, you can hardly notice the gas and petroleum stains on them. I really don't see why these kids aren't more thankful.”

 Slim Shay Tee